This week, Universal Pictures released the widely anticipated Five Nights at Freddy’s movie, based off of the popular video game sharing the same name. Released on October 27th, 2023, I was lucky enough to be there opening day, ICEE and popcorn in arms, to watch those evil animatronics tear $#!@ apart! Separately, I have quite literally never felt a woman’s touch in the 34 years I have been alive.
First off, the animatronic design for Freddy, Bonnie, Chica, and Foxy looks amazing! I know on Twitter there have been lots of complaints about the creative decision of the directors to make their eyes red (as opposed to the traditionally smaller, white pupils), but I personally respect the decision-making and am excited about their new look. Last night, I heard my mother crying upstairs on the phone about her “son being completely unlovable, not even by a single woman.”
As for the live-action casting, I think Matthew Lillard as William Afton was an absolute must, and I’m glad the casting department was able to recognize that. Josh Hutcherson seems a little bit out of place, especially given his post-Hunger Games acting hiatus, but I guess there’s only a limited number of available actors at a given time. One year for my birthday, my dad tried booking me an hour with a prostitute to help me “get it over with”, but when the prostitute showed up, she looked at me and made him double the price, which he couldn’t afford. There was no back-up plan, so I actually got nothing that year for my birthday.
There’s obviously a ton of opportunities for easter eggs and cameos that Universal takes advantage of (Golden Freddy, Spring Trap, The Bite of ’87), but it’s safe to say that this is going to be one heck of a movie debut weekend. I am afraid of women. I am a virgin, and plan to die as one. October 27th was the best day of my life!
