Every fall, the bicycle-ridden concrete jungle of Stanford University is hit by a large-scale migration of Homo Froshicus Froshicus, a species also known as the common freshman. Our reporter interviewed Dr. Ben Davis, who is currently writing his master thesis on Froshicus population fluctuations.
“The common freshman is easily recognized by the perpetually confused look on its face and the dangling key lanyard around its neck.
It is rather inexperienced, as well as particularly bad at managing expenses, and will be most likely to run out of meal plan dollars by the 5th week of the quarter. How it has managed to survive up until now is a mystery that has eluded us scientists for years.
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In an attempt to encounter a genuine Froshicus specimen, the Flipside team followed professional adventurer Bear Grylls in one of his expeditions to the untamed frosh dorms of Wilbur Hall to explore the breathtaking nightlife of this truly amazing ecosystem.
“If you look in the distance, you can see a pack of common freshmen in their natural environment. I suspect they are currently participating in a complex social gathering named “how-much-can-I-drink-without-getting-transported”.
Why exactly they engage in this ritual is unknown, but it is to be noted that it will usually boost the probability of irresponsible acts such as dormcest.”
(Message from the National Health Organization: If approached by a wild Froshicus, please stay calm. Divert its attention with a “Free Alcohol” banner and slowly walk away while avoiding eye contact.)
