After years of low attendance and a reputation for uninspired events, the Office of Alcohol Policy and Education at Stanford was due for a change.

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That’s why this week, in what administrators are calling, “a much needed rebranding,” Cardinal Nights will begin to offer free cocaine at their events and functions.

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“We realized that we were never going to attract the real high-risk drinkers with hot air balloons and build-a-bear workshops,” said Elliott Johnson, President of Cardinal Nights.

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“Then we had a breakthrough. Everyone may like free Cream, but what does everyone love? Free cocaine! We immediately ordered 2 kilos for the quarter.”

Some students are less sure about the changes to Cardinal Nights. “My friends and I don’t dig the party scene, so Cardinal Nights was always a safe place for us,” said Susie Shates, a sophomore in Crothers. “But when I showed up to their screening of ‘Inside Out,’ the event host blew cocaine in my face and told me to whisper the Powder Secret. It made me uncomfortable. I don’t like this new Cardinal Nights.

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“You don’t need to drink to have fun,” said Johnson with a big smile, “but you do need to do cocaine.”

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