SOCHI – In the weeks leading up to the 2014 Winter Olympics, several supposedly legitimate American news sources circulated reports that Russian policeman were killing stray dogs on the street of Sochi. Fortunately, such speculation has been emphatically refuted by trustworthy Russian news site Pravda.su, which has assured Flipside reporters that the dogs in question are not being killed, but are simply instead being deported to the gulag.
“Dogs are part of Russian heritage,” said a spokesperson for the Sochi police. “We would not slaughter them senselessly in street—if they are to be killed by our government, we send them up as cosmonauts in glorious space-rocket. Definitely not murdered with discrete bullet in back-alley like Ukrainian dissident. We instead follow patriotic tradition and send dogs to comfortable new home in Kamchatka Province. There they live with other…dogs…that we have sent there over past years.”
When pressed for further details, the official mentioned that the rumors of dogs being murdered were probably “gay propaganda,” spread by “malicious homosexual Chihuahua-owner cartel” and mumbled something about “falling off of train in Siberia.” Russian President Vladimir Putin could not be reached for comment, as he was busy taking shirtless photos with a variety of local fauna that we were assured are all “very cute” and “definitely not even slightly homoerotic.”
An independent news source has also reported a similar story, saying that the dogs are being “relocated to a better place.” Details are pending on whether or not this place is, in fact, the big old farm with grandma.
