Flomo Dining—Jeffrey Golin, a sophomore who lives in Cardenal this year, has been officially declared “too busy to breathe” by the Vaden Health Center, who conducted the study.
The study, which was recently completed, found that between his load of nine classes, two sports teams, one intramural team, two fraternities, and five charity groups, he does not have enough time in the day to take in the minimum necessary amount of oxygen.
“See I tried,” said Golin, who brushed his teeth while he combed his hair while he read Hegel’s Lectures on Aesthetics.
“The issue was that I was already taking two units of breathing for a grade, and I had already asked for permission twice to extend my unit cap beyond twenty units. So there just wasn’t possibly time for more units of breathing.”
Doctors suggested that Golin drop one of his fraternities to try and achieve a “more reasonable load,” but Golin promptly declared that was impossible because he was tied in the bonds of brotherhood that you can only share with one building with Greek letters and lots of beer.
When they suggested he drop one of his charity groups, since it was essentially the same as another one of his charity groups, he started yelling in Tibetan at a third year level.
The Flipside asked Golin if this schedule was possibly maintainable for the long term, and between swimming strokes he gasped, “No.
”