Freshman Who Lied About Watching Game of Thrones Now In Too Deep

October 16, 2017 5:00 pm
Freshman Who Lied About Watching Game of Thrones Now In Too Deep

In devastating news out of Burbank this past week, freshman Ken Seley has realized he is “in too deep” in his ongoing lie — initially told in an effort to be more relatable to his peers — that he watches the popular HBO series Game of Thrones. The problem first […]

Read more ›

Is Stanford Ready For An All Male Football Team?

12:00 pm
PALO ALTO, CA - OCTOBER 15:  Christian McCaffrey #5 of the Stanford Cardinal's rushes for a twenty eight yard touchdown run against the UCLA Bruins in the second quarter of an NCAA football game at Stanford Stadium on October 15, 2015 in Stanford, California.  (Photo by Thearon W. Henderson/Getty Images)
Read more ›

Class Of ‘72 Alum Returns To Campus To Find Mayonnaise Sandwich He Put In Time Capsule Missing

12:00 pm
Class Of ‘72 Alum Returns To Campus To Find Mayonnaise Sandwich He Put In Time Capsule Missing
Read more ›

Report: Asshole At Arrillaga Dining Thinks You Want to Hear Him Play Piano

12:00 pm
Report: Asshole At Arrillaga Dining Thinks You Want to Hear Him Play Piano

Diners at Arrillaga Family Dining Commons report that, as of 12:15pm last Thursday, some fucking asshole is playing the piano and shows no signs of stopping. “What, does he actually think anyone wants to hear this shit?” asks a regular of Arrillaga dining, Junior Arthur Petrula. “Here I am, trying […]

Read more ›

Sophomore “Too Successful” After Switching Major to CS Halfway Through Career Fair

October 9, 2017 5:00 pm
Young smiling man holding his resume applying for a job

As application season for summer jobs swings into full gear, one enterprising student has found trouble in an unexpected place: after changing his major to CS halfway through a career fair, sophomore Noah Evans was overwhelmed by “so, so many” job offers. “I was actually a Classics major up through the […]

Read more ›

Man Known For Poorly Drawn Swastikas Now Taking ARTSTUDI 145

October 5, 2017 5:00 pm
Man Known For Poorly Drawn Swastikas Now Taking ARTSTUDI 145

In light of the criticism his swastikas drew for being only “swastika-like”, the man who has been drawing said symbols around campus has decided to enroll in ARTSTUDI 145, Intro to Painting, in an effort to perfect the symbol. “For our first class, we were just supposed to be painting […]

Read more ›

Freshman RA’s Brace Themselves for Annual “Feces of Our Community” Event

October 2, 2017 5:00 pm
Freshman RA’s Brace Themselves for Annual “Feces of Our Community” Event

Following a memorable “Faces of Our Community” seminar during NSO, freshman RA’s are now bracing themselves for the traditional “Feces of Our Community” follow-up this Friday. The event, which typically occurs after around two weeks of acclimatization to dining hall food, is a traditional mass bowel movement that takes frosh […]

Read more ›

CompLit Major Mistakenly Under Impression He Can Refer to Classes by Number

5:00 pm
CompLit Major Mistakenly Under Impression He Can Refer to Classes by Number

It is reported that Comparative Literature student Emmett Capanard keeps referring to his classes by their course code, as if anyone else on campus knows what the fuck his humanities-learnin’ ass is talking about. “I asked Emmett what he was taking this fall,” recalled Emma Blevins, a Computer Science major. “And […]

Read more ›

Freshman Already Acclimating To Stanford, Calls California “Cali”

5:00 pm
Freshman Already Acclimating To Stanford, Calls California “Cali”

Though the Stanford class of 2021 has been on the Farm for less than a month, freshman Grace Roberts is already acclimating quickly and has made herself at home with the local slang in an attempt to fit in. “Look, I’m doing pretty well. I tell my friends back at […]

Read more ›

Freshman Without Friends Or Legitimate Reasons To Be Happy Reports He’s “Doing Fine” In Phone Call To Parents

5:00 pm
Freshman Without Friends Or Legitimate Reasons To Be Happy Reports He’s “Doing Fine” In Phone Call To Parents

While freshman Bobby Taylor may be struggling to make friends besides his dorm’s resident pianist, sources confirmed yesterday that Taylor’s parents have been receiving a very different story in his weekly phone calls home. Exaggerating the quality of his social interactions and downplaying moments of intense self-doubt and loneliness, Taylor […]

Read more ›