A Treatise On The Giving Me Of Your Lunch Money

February 13, 2017 12:00 pm
A Treatise On The Giving Me Of Your Lunch Money

It has now become evident that, since we last spoke, our open correspondence has deteriorated significantly. Perchance your dumb loser head is having trouble comprehending the predicament that we have found ourselves in. As such, I hope that you realize that I am trying to do the noble thing here […]

Read more ›

Trump Family Probably Actually Just A Set of Russian Nesting Dolls

February 9, 2017 12:00 pm
Trump Family Probably Actually Just A Set of Russian Nesting Dolls

Recently, news sources have been claiming that there may finally be an explanation to all of the peculiarities to the Trump family and administration—the Trump family is actually just a set of Russian nesting dolls. Supporters of this theory argue that this is why Trump wants to keep his children […]

Read more ›

Experts Suggest ‘Alternative Facts’ Fad Will Soon Give Way To ‘Indie Facts’

February 7, 2017 12:00 pm
Experts Suggest ‘Alternative Facts’ Fad Will Soon Give Way To ‘Indie Facts’

After much controversy surrounding the Trump administration’s embracement of ‘alternative facts’, sociologists at Stanford have concluded that this new troubling fad will eventually give way to ‘indie facts’, which will generally be much more interesting and pleasant. Although alternative facts are all the rage right now, experts have concluded that […]

Read more ›

Whistleblower Swarmed by Dogs

February 6, 2017 12:00 pm
Whistleblower Swarmed by Dogs
Read more ›

Power-Mad Weatherman Refuses to Hand It Back to Tom at the News Desk

12:00 pm
Power-Mad Weatherman Refuses to Hand It Back to Tom at the News Desk
Read more ›

Union Of Body Language Book Readers Announces Plans To Touch You During Social Occasions

February 2, 2017 12:00 pm
Union Of Body Language Book Readers Announces Plans To Touch You During Social Occasions

Silver Springs MD — At a semi-annual meeting last week, the union of people who read books about body language announced plans to uncomfortably touch you during conversation, sources reported. Having understood the deep evolutionary desires of humans to be touched, members at the conference expressed confidence that they will […]

Read more ›

Op-Ed: I Think A Crocodile Would Win In A Fight Against An Alligator, But I’m Not Willing To Bet Everything On It

February 1, 2017 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: I Think A Crocodile Would Win In A Fight Against An Alligator, But I’m Not Willing To Bet Everything On It

Okay, so call me crazy, but I think a crocodile would win in a matchup against an alligator. Now, to be fair, I’m not completely sure about this. I wouldn’t bet my life on it. To be honest, I can’t say I would even put $100 on it. But let […]

Read more ›

Nation’s Creeps Report Woman’s Hair Looks Really Soft

January 30, 2017 12:00 pm
Nation’s Creeps Report Woman’s Hair Looks Really Soft

Staring vacantly into the crowd covering their address, the National Association of Creeps reported yesterday that local woman Maria Richards’ hair looks really soft. Coming from across the country to share their findings with the press, the Association informed reporters that not only does Maria definitely have really soft hair, […]

Read more ›

Guy Putting Money Where His Mouth Is Chokes To Death On Money

12:00 pm
Guy Putting Money Where His Mouth Is Chokes To Death On Money
Read more ›

Democrat Who Just Showed Up To First Protest Doesn’t Understand Why Its Platform Is Different From His

12:00 pm
Hundreds gather at Daley Plaza for an anti-Trump rally on Inauguration Day, Jan. 20, 2017. | Ashlee Rezin/Sun-Times

Reports have come in that during one of the many rallies that took place over the past two weeks, sophomore Junior Milicic “really gave it a shot, guys,” but was confused by the presence of demands not directly consistent with those of the Democratic Party. “I got to the protest, […]

Read more ›