5 Common Misconceptions About The East Coast That Just. Aren’t. True!

May 8, 2017 12:00 pm
5 Common Misconceptions About The East Coast That Just. Aren’t. True!

At a West Coast school like Stanford, there’s bound to be a stereotype or two about our neighbors over on the other side of the country. But just because you believe something doesn’t make it true! Here are five common mistakes made about East Coasters. 1. They Call the Atlantic […]

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Coolest Senior Excited To Move To, Be “So Over” New York

May 5, 2017 12:00 pm
Coolest Senior Excited To Move To, Be “So Over” New York

After four years of blasé sighs, insatiable apathy, and open assertions that she should have gone to Yale, senior Courtney Chetwind told friends on Tuesday that she’s “ecstatic” to move to New York City and immediately become disenchanted with it. “It took only a few hours of NSO for me […]

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Trend Alert! These Hip Young Millennials Are Wearing Surgical Masks So They Don’t Inhale the Toxic Fumes of a Dying Planet

May 1, 2017 12:01 pm
Trend Alert! These Hip Young Millennials Are Wearing Surgical Masks So They Don’t Inhale the Toxic Fumes of a Dying Planet

Looks like the fashionistas are gonna have a field day with this one, folks. Millennials worldwide have started wearing surgical masks so they don’t breathe in the poisoned air of a slowly-dying planet, and damn do they pull it off! Sure, fashion is subjective, but come on — just take […]

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Update: Internet Still Cesspit Full Of Racism

12:00 pm
Update: Internet Still Cesspit Full Of Racism

We are here this week to report that as of 6:34 PM on Sunday April 30th, the Internet is still a garbage place, and that it is mostly filled with racism. These are the results from a check that began at around 7:51 PM on Friday evening. The survey performed […]

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Report: Discussion Section Dominated By That One Student Who Actually Does The Reading

April 30, 2017 12:00 pm
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Multiple sources have confirmed that there is one student in the 1:30PM discussion section of the Rhetoric of Origami that really just monopolizes the conversation, as he is the sole student to consistently complete the assigned readings. Students reportedly had identified the troublesome student Adam Thatcher in the 12 person […]

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Spring Has Sprung, And That Means All The Boba Eggs Are Finally Hatching

April 24, 2017 12:00 pm
Spring Has Sprung, And That Means All The Boba Eggs Are Finally Hatching

Ah, springtime: the birds are chirping, the bees are buzzing, and the pulsating eggs at the bottom of every boba tea are slowly starting to hatch! Do you hear that noise? The dull drone of a million oozing flesh-pods, ready to burst? It’s the boba eggs, beginning to crack their […]

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Stanford Announces New Student Web Portal To Make It Easier to Access Student Web Portals

April 17, 2017 12:00 pm
Stanford Announces New Student Web Portal To Make It Easier to Access Student Web Portals

In the most expansive change of its kind in Stanford history, university administration has announced the upcoming release of a revolutionary new student web portal that will make it easier to access all the other student web portals that already exist. The new application, called CardinalNext, will provide an intuitive, […]

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Report: Weather Thing Different In Other Place

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Report: Weather Thing Different In Other Place

STANFORD, CA – Scientists have studied weather things like snow, humidity, and tornados in a number of places. There is often no way of knowing whether these weather things vary in different geographical locations. In a groundbreaking report by a person who was born and raised in a different place […]

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Student Making Millions Off Chase Bank’s $500 Flyers

April 10, 2017 12:00 pm
Student Making Millions Off Chase Bank’s $500 Flyers

In a stroke of genius yet to be realized by any other Stanford students or Chase Bank’s top advertising executives, sophomore Greg Nicholson has begun cashing in the widespread offer of $500 from Chase Bank’s advertisements for opening up checking and savings accounts. Nicholson reportedly scoops up these flyers every […]

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Guy Who Calls It Schwanging Has Yet To Schwang

April 4, 2017 12:00 pm
Guy Who Calls It Schwanging Has Yet To Schwang
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