Ask Smeg The Undying, Soldier And Disciple Of The Flame

October 26, 2017 11:07 am
Ask Smeg The Undying, Soldier And Disciple Of The Flame

Dear Smeg the Undying, I absolutely loved my freshman dorm, but I’m worried that I won’t be able to keep in touch with my friends from last year as much as I’d like to, which actually isn’t that much. Do you have any tips on staying connected with friends? – […]

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Search for Missing Ugly Child Winds Down After Hour 2

October 16, 2017 12:00 pm
Search for Missing Ugly Child Winds Down After Hour 2

Greenwich, CONNECTICUT — This past Monday, reportedly distraught parents Jill and Gary Whiteburger found themselves nearly unable to enjoy their biweekly yachting excursion. It was a tough weekend for the young, beautiful couple who awoke Sunday morning to find that their visually unappealing eight-year-old son Elliot, a boy who had been […]

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Roommate’s Cactus Looking Awfully Judgmental Right Now

October 9, 2017 12:00 pm
Roommate’s Cactus Looking Awfully Judgmental Right Now

Stanford, CA—Noting that the succulent sure had a strange look about it, sophomore Nicolas Dermond reported yesterday that his roommate’s cactus, which commands an uncomfortably central position in their one-room double and, if it had eyes, could see just about everything, was looking awfully judgmental right now. “Jesus, did he […]

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Opinion: The Only Legitimate Marriage Is One Between a Man and a Woman and Me, WWE Legend Randy Orton

June 5, 2017 12:00 pm
Opinion: The Only Legitimate Marriage Is One Between a Man and a Woman and Me, WWE Legend Randy Orton
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Report: Butts Just Call Butt Stuff “Stuff”

12:00 pm
Report: Butts Just Call Butt Stuff “Stuff”
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Unclear Why Dad Now Writing “Mom” With Ironic Quotation Marks, But It Can’t Be Good

May 30, 2017 12:00 pm
Unclear Why Dad Now Writing “Mom” With Ironic Quotation Marks, But It Can’t Be Good
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Frat Boy Ensnared in Mind-Twisting Game of Alcohol-And-Dice-Table

12:00 pm
Frat Boy Ensnared in Mind-Twisting Game of Alcohol-And-Dice-Table

Earlier today, on the front lawn of Sigma Nu, one of the fraternity’s Snappa Grandmasters found himself embroiled in a match for the history books. Alex Tranner, heretofore undefeated in the many years that he has played the gentleman’s game, started the match with an uncharacteristically aggressive opening move, choosing […]

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Some Grandparents Die, And That’s OK, And Some Grandparents Can’t Die Even If They Want To, And That’s OK Too

May 22, 2017 12:00 pm
Some Grandparents Die, And That’s OK, And Some Grandparents Can’t Die Even If They Want To, And That’s OK Too
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Stanford Psychology Department Encourages Students To Respond To All Questions Using Week Numbers

12:00 pm
Stanford Psychology Department Encourages Students To Respond To All Questions Using Week Numbers

The Stanford psychology department just finished testing and now plans to implement a new pilot program that encourages students to respond to questions or incite conversation with “week numbers” in order to facilitate more successful interpersonal and peer-to-peer communication at Stanford. Fueled by a prevalent campus-wide sentiment that rigorous academics […]

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The Drought Is Over And It Is Time To Revel In California’s Liquid Bounty

12:00 pm
The Drought Is Over And It Is Time To Revel In California’s Liquid Bounty

The drought is gone, and California is saved. We did it! And now that the water’s back, we are glad to bring these wet tidings to you now. Turn on all of the water taps. Let them run. For now is a time of plenty! We’ve got water to spare, […]

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