Union Of Body Language Book Readers Announces Plans To Touch You During Social Occasions

February 2, 2017 12:00 pm
Union Of Body Language Book Readers Announces Plans To Touch You During Social Occasions

Silver Springs MD — At a semi-annual meeting last week, the union of people who read books about body language announced plans to uncomfortably touch you during conversation, sources reported. Having understood the deep evolutionary desires of humans to be touched, members at the conference expressed confidence that they will […]

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Op-Ed: I Think A Crocodile Would Win In A Fight Against An Alligator, But I’m Not Willing To Bet Everything On It

February 1, 2017 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: I Think A Crocodile Would Win In A Fight Against An Alligator, But I’m Not Willing To Bet Everything On It

Okay, so call me crazy, but I think a crocodile would win in a matchup against an alligator. Now, to be fair, I’m not completely sure about this. I wouldn’t bet my life on it. To be honest, I can’t say I would even put $100 on it. But let […]

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Nation’s Creeps Report Woman’s Hair Looks Really Soft

January 30, 2017 12:00 pm
Nation’s Creeps Report Woman’s Hair Looks Really Soft

Staring vacantly into the crowd covering their address, the National Association of Creeps reported yesterday that local woman Maria Richards’ hair looks really soft. Coming from across the country to share their findings with the press, the Association informed reporters that not only does Maria definitely have really soft hair, […]

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Guy Putting Money Where His Mouth Is Chokes To Death On Money

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Guy Putting Money Where His Mouth Is Chokes To Death On Money
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Democrat Who Just Showed Up To First Protest Doesn’t Understand Why Its Platform Is Different From His

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Hundreds gather at Daley Plaza for an anti-Trump rally on Inauguration Day, Jan. 20, 2017. | Ashlee Rezin/Sun-Times

Reports have come in that during one of the many rallies that took place over the past two weeks, sophomore Junior Milicic “really gave it a shot, guys,” but was confused by the presence of demands not directly consistent with those of the Democratic Party. “I got to the protest, […]

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Social Scientists Encourage Introspection For Those Who Live In Glass Houses

January 27, 2017 9:00 am
Social Scientists Encourage Introspection For Those Who Live In Glass Houses

Washington, D.C. — Doctors associated with the American Psychological Association have determined that those who live in glass houses should spend less energy worrying about throwing stones, and instead reflect on the underlying mental instabilities that compelled them to purchase a house made entirely of glass. While researchers conceded that […]

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Op-Ed: Gen X Was Great, Millennials Are A Useless Pile Of Rocks

January 26, 2017 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: Gen X Was Great, Millennials Are A Useless Pile Of Rocks

As we inaugurate a new political administration, now is a good time to reflect on generational boundaries. On the one hand, we have the Gen Xers, who, despite their many shortcomings, have given the world such wonderful gifts as the iPhone and the band Nirvana. On the other hand, we […]

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Dating Prodigy to Forgo Senior Year, Join The League a Year Early

January 24, 2017 12:00 pm
Dating Prodigy to Forgo Senior Year, Join The League a Year Early

Dating dynamo Dan Williams announced Sunday that he will skip his last year at Stanford to join the The League, an elite dating app for “high-achieving, diverse, and influential” singles. Three years of lunches, dinners, and “just hang[ing] out at CoHo or something” behind him, he voiced a readiness to […]

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Stanford Unveils New Science Library And It’s Very Sexy

January 23, 2017 12:01 pm
Stanford Unveils New Science Library And It’s Very Sexy

After months of work, construction on Stanford’s ‘Old Chemistry Building’ has finally been completed. The revamped structure is no longer solely for chemistry. The newly unveiled Sapp Center, as it is called, is a general science center and library for undergraduate students studying biology and mathematics, and it is also […]

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Toad With Pronounced Cranial Crest And Oversized Parotid Gland Going To Fuck Tonight

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Toad With Pronounced Cranial Crest And Oversized Parotid Gland Going To Fuck Tonight
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