Student Thinks Bike Was Stolen, But Remembers She Parked It Elsewhere

Mia Lee, ’14, walked out her of her IHUM class still drowsy and had a moment of pure terror. “I looked at the bike rack outside my class, and I didn’t see my bike. For like, 10 full seconds, I literally thought it was stolen.” Ms. Lee started “flipping a shit”, frantically...

April 16th, 2011

Cultural Differences in Chinese Fire Drill Lead to Explosion

Investigators have concluded that the car outside of Bob recently caught fire due to a misunderstanding about Chinese Fire Drills, according to Don Gifford, captain of the San Jose Arson Squad. “What we have here is a basic miscommunication,” commented Mr. Gifford, who headed the investigation....

January 25th, 2011

Director’s Cup Apparently Made Up To Boost Stanford’s Self Esteem

The Director’s Cup is a trophy given every year to the best athletic school in the nation. Voted on by a group of collegiate athletic leaders, the trophy is awarded each year based on which university in the nation has had the best overall athletics program. For the past 16 years, Stanford University...

December 1st, 2010

Facebook Adds Ability To Share Masturbatory Habits With Friends

Note: In the print edition of this week’s issue, we accidentally used a picture of Tyler Clementi, the Rutgers student who committed suicide. We did a random image search for a student, and we were unaware of who this person was. We regret the use of the photo. Facebook, always looking for innovative...

November 7th, 2010

Four Loko Brewing Company Introduces New Line of Blackout™ Products

Drawing criticism recently for their caffeine-injected alcoholic beverages, nicknamed “Blackout in a Can,” the Four Loko Brewing Company has taken a controversial step toward embracing its newfound status as a “problem” company. “In an effort to keep our young, college-age audience...

October 31st, 2010

Chilean Miners Wait a Day to Avoid “Coming Out” Confusion

33 Chilean miners, all male, have been trapped in horrid conditions for over two months, living close together in a tight space, rubbing up against each other, and suffering from loneliness and isolation from their loved ones. Despite, or perhaps because, they have been living with 32 other men...

October 17th, 2010

Lunar Energy Advocates Feel Left In the Dark

Holding signs with slogans such as “Carpe Noctem” (Seize the Night) and “The Moon: Also Pretty Fucking Cool”, advocates for Lunar Energy packed White Plaza on Friday to protest the recent approved tax breaks for solar energy. “You know, it just pisses me off,” noted Frank Schnappel, the leader...

October 10th, 2010