“Lorem Ipsum” the classic filler text on digital writing templates has finally been translated by scholars, and the results are unthinkably disturbing. Dr. Calvin Factor, expert in Latin, refuses to share much of anything about what the text said, other than the fact that it included “every slur imaginable.”
Latin translators everywhere are shocked by the transcripts, and the intellectual community is reeling as it is forced to reckon with the hatred that must’ve filled Romans’ hearts. Since the news was released to the public this weekend, many Catholics and “yeah-I’m-actually-a-little-Italian-on-my-dad’s-side” Americans are anxiously waiting to hear from authorities on the matter. The Vatican has been eerily silent, with some recent editorials suggesting that Pope Leo’s background as a Chicagoan may have desensitized his reaction to this objectively disturbing content.
“Lorem Ipsum” supposedly came from Cicero’s private journals, and his descendants have defended the writings, insisting that “it was a different time back then!”
Before deciding whether to release the translation, Latin experts tested out excepts on a group of teenage boys, who claimed to “have heard it all before,” but even they left the room quiet and shaken. The decision to withhold the documents from the public eye was formalized the following day.
While the decision to hide the findings has faced backlash from literary freedom activists, the U.S. government continues to insist that the decision to not release the recent translation is purely for the public good: “If we did, we’d have to black out every other word,” attorney general, Pam Bondi, stated during a recent interview, “You thought the Epstein files were overly redacted? You haven’t seen anything yet.”
