Back in September, President-Elect Donald Trump received criticism and ridicule for mentioning “concepts of a plan” for America’s many problems during the presidential debate. Our expert hackers at Flipside gained access to the Presidential Google Drive and found the document that clears everything up and absolves Trump of the accusations that “there never was a plan.” The Stanford Flipside gets you the never-before-seen proposal.
AMERICA HAS A PROBLEM. I HAVE SOLUTIONS.
As Beyoncé once sang, America has a problem. Fortunately for you, dearest readers, I have solutions.
Let’s talk numbers. Most highways have between two and four lanes. (The highway by my house? One lane. Get it together, Bentonsport, Iowa.) With that, it is impossible to overtake slow drivers. You escape a minivan driven by a grandma, and bam— an Amazon truck. Apparently they call it Prime delivery because the trucks take up prime roadspace going a measly 70 in a 65. Swerve past the Amazon truck and you crash into some fool with an ugly “baby on board” sticker. Convenient access to contraception and ugly baby on board stickers should not coexist. Change my mind.
There’s an average of eight parking spaces per car. Well, I have news. The way my salary has been increasing, my great great great great granddaughter is going to be filthy RICH. We’re talking international vacations. We’re talking trusts for her kids. We’re talking owning a 2-bedroom apartment. Anyways, where’s her ninth car going to go?
There are 8800 golf courses in America and about 6900 state parks (6900 miserably colorful, overwhelmingly biodiverse, and unnecessarily large state parks, to be clear). I do declare this a partial win for the 1900 additional golf courses, but we have a long way to go. Converting state parks to golf courses seems difficult, but as my grandpa once said, every task is the right John Deere tool away from completion. May I suggest the 959M feller buncher, because the first step is ridding the state parks of their remaining biodiversity. Then we’re just some moist mulch and poisonous pesticides away from massive, green, homogenous lawn. Here’s to holes in one, baby.
Speaking of green, I think it’s out with the dollar bills and in with weed. Let’s be frank, no one uses cash anymore. And double tap to apple pay is easily one of the Top 10 Most Devastating Inventions of the Past Decade. It’s up there with Google+ and the Vision Pros. Because, what was the last time you actually read your bank statement? Like I said, the issue isn’t that you don’t earn enough, you just spend it too quickly on unnecessary things like rent, groceries, and bills. Here’s my proposition to the US government: we get rid of tap to pay and replace cash with weed. Double tapping to spend half of your paycheck on groceries? Easy. But how many joints are you really willing to give up for it? Exactly.
And not to like— flex or anything— I make a whopping 52 grand every year. My grandpa (no, not the one from the John Deere quote) said he made around 30 grand in the 80s, and he lived comfortably. Say all you want to about inflation and rising costs of living, but the main culprit is evolving personal standards. I don’t understand why people expect to always know where their next meal will come from. We’re hunter-gatherers, people. We were meant to live this way.
And if humans want to live so badly in luxury, why can’t cars? If humans get the luxury of gyms like Equinox and the convenience of clothing made with child labor, cars deserve it too. First, we need to build luxury gas stations. Then, we implement a Michelin star system for gas stations (because let’s be honest, why was a tire company rating restaurants anyways?). Now you’re burning rubber to travel to the hottest new Michelin star restaurants and gas stations. Head to a three Michelin star gas station and experience French and Indian fusion gas. It’s pumped into your car in ten courses. Each course is a 0.05-gallon delicacy. The first few courses start to lube up the insides of the tank, the next few start to lather up and energize the engine, and the last few rounds leave your car craving more. To enhance convenience for all cars, I suggest adding massive conveyor belts powered by batteries made using Congolese child labor. How’s that, Shein?
I grew up with 8 older siblings in Iowa. The readers who’ve had the misfortune of having siblings (or of growing up in Iowa) understand my pain. There is one thing Iowans did right, though: fast food. Every Friday night, my dad threw us all into the car to head to McDonald’s. A lucky two of us would got to stick our heads out while our dad flew down the highway. At McDonald’s, we each got a big mac, hash browns, and a large soda. The car flew down the highway back home (this time, with another lucky two of us got to stick our heads out), and we sat on the grass in our backyard and enjoyed our weekly treats. Fast cars, flat grass, fast food: those were the three F’s of my childhood, and those are the three F’s of the perfect America. But alas, regulated driving, ugly lawns, and Sweetgreen will have to do for now.
