Much like the Stanford football team, the Democratic Party is disorganized, confused, and has been becoming increasingly unpopular since 2016.  Fresh new blood is needed to reinvigorate the left. Our exclusive report, given to us through the extremely trustworthy and definitely verified sources of one particular very hot PoliSci TA (Doug, please give me a call, I’m begging you), shows the DNC had decided their clear favorite to run for the position of party leader as far back as June 28th, and party leaders are currently in the process of concluding negotiations for a candidate hard-launch. 

Described as “stream-lined, efficient, and sexy” (the same words my Dad used on his new lawnmower), former K-pop superstar Meng Meiqi has overtaken established politicians to be the new favorite for the 2028 Democratic nominee. Her successful campaign on the hit show Produce 101 resulted in over 185 million votes. If she brought those kinds of numbers to the Democratic Party, the donkeys would see a 156% jump in support.

Rudy Giuliani, Meng Meiqi’s unexpected campaign manager, spoke to Flipside last Monday, regarding the shift. “Americans are sick of policy. They’re sick of thinking about taxes and critical race theory and coconut trees. The American people just want a PROPERLY choreographed inauguration ceremony and honestly? An idol might be exactly what we need to bring the country together. K-Pop reaches across the aisle, uniting both prepubescent hair-dyed they/thems and sexually repressed white men alike”. Though Meng’s stances on hot button issues, like abortion and guns, remain unclear, Meng’s stronger opinions regarding topics like top cat cafes and best Soon-Hari flavor (peach, obviously) lend more confidence to her candidacy.

After decades of voter fraud scandals in the U.S., party leaders have turned to the expertise of K-Pop stans, who reportedly have created the most secure voter methods in the world. The DNC, welcoming this change, have restructured voting procedures to include the Mnet Mobile App Software. Meng Meiqi, excited about the prospect of becoming the first female president of the United States, has just released her slogan “We have the power to Rocket Girls up to the White House.”

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