In a groundbreaking discovery that has shaken the very foundations of modern society, a recent study has concluded that the key to young males not touching the clitoris during sexual intercourse, is, in fact, “playing dumb”. This startling discovery has prompted a wave of confusion and denial among women, and for men, a state of enlightenment among those who were previously engaged in what can only be described as a spoofed conundrum of the highest order.
The study, conducted by Stanford’s Interfraternity Council (IFC), involved a rigorous process of elimination for many who ventured into the brave known. Participants were subjected to a series of tests, including but not limited to, the “you like that?” map sketch, the “is this it?” questionnaire, and the highly controversial “just fucking ask her” challenge.
PhD student Amy Kritikoff, the lead researcher of the study, stated in an exclusive interview, “It’s quite simple, really. Our findings suggest that the primary obstacle in not touching the clit is not a profound ignorance of its locale, but rather a complete lack of desire. Known as deliberate mediocrity, men everywhere have decided to play dumb so as to never be asked to perform the task ever again. We’ve been playing checkers while they’ve been playing chess.”
The report has sparked a global movement, with millions of men taking to social media to share their pride as part of the #FoundItButNotTouching movement. Testimonials range from euphoric declarations of enlightenment to sober reflections on faked navigational failures. One participant shared, “I spent years pretending to be in the wilderness, only to realize I truly was in the wrong forest altogether.”
In the end, the study serves as a beacon of hope for those that find their partners wandering in the dark. As for the clitoris, that enigmatic landmark? It remains, as ever, patiently waiting for those who seek to know it, to not touch it with the reverence and respect it so rightly deserves.
