In a shocking yet inevitable turn of events, Earth finally ran out of music earlier this week. With the limited supply of tempos, rhythms and beats now entirely depleted, musicians everywhere suddenly find themselves out of work.
As recently as Monday afternoon, composers and sonic artists from every continent were busily going about their normal business—creating new melodies, arranging old ones, practicing with colleagues, honing their skills. But at precisely 3:24 PM, all suddenly found that that which had brought them and others so much joy — namely, their music — had ceased to exist.
Experts comment that, in retrospect, this sort of crisis was inevitable. Remarked musicologist Christina Kinslayer, “We humans have been making music since before anyone can remember, and considering the explosion of creativity and innovation over the past few centuries, it’s been happening at a faster and faster rate. We all knew this was coming, but it’s still a shock to actually see it happen. I think we all just hoped that this would be the next generation’s problem or something.”
Others were not so startled, with Senator Jacob Fleshmeister (R-MT) expressing hope that “now those filthy ‘music’ creatures can turn their attention to something practical, like self-driving blockcoin or deep-learning bitchain.”
Now, with one global catastrophe under humanity’s belt, analysts have turned their attention to the next possible existential crisis of this sort. Speculation is currently circulating about the prospect of artists running out of art, scientists running out of science, or economists running out of poorly defined frameworks which in no way correlate to real human behavior.
