Op-Ed: Hear Me Out, Black Stormtroopers Will Reduce Property Values

October 26, 2015 12:00 pm
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Op-Ed: Hear Me Out, Black Stormtroopers Will Reduce Property Values

Look, I’m just saying what everyone’s thinking. I know it. You know it. Our real estate agents know it. And it’s really nothing personal on my part, but the fact of the matter is, if we let black stormtroopers be a thing, intergalactic property values are going to drop.

It’s not pretty. And it’s not my idea either. But look, we let in one measly Sarlacc and the entirety of Tatooine went to shit. The inescapable conclusion is that the multicultural experiment in the Galactic Empire has been a total failure. And if we just let black people become stormtroopers, we’re going to descend down a slippery slope of tanking property values and loosened morals.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: what about the Bothans? But here’s the thing, you might have a Bothan neighbor. You might have Bothan friends. But when you sit down to think about it, can you name even one Bothan that wasn’t a spy? Really, we need to enact measures against them as well. But that’s for another time. Right now we need to make sure that the Empire’s soldiers are white both on the outside and inside of the blast-proof suits.

I know it’s uncomfortable, and I will concede that it does have an unsavory  “racial” aspect to it. But really, there’s no alternative. And I, for one, will sleep easier at night knowing that only white-skinned people will be wearing the Imperial white. And fish people, or whatever they’re called, those guys are cool in my book too.

-Garg Dra’ro

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