Articles by: Adrian Scheibler

How To Tame Your Pet Hyena

January 26, 2019 9:00 pmComments Off on How To Tame Your Pet Hyena
How To Tame Your Pet Hyena

So you just bought a spotted hyena cub from that sketchy kebab vendor on the corner of Fifth and Elm, near the laundromat. Huh — interesting choice! Perhaps you wanted to surprise your significant other and introduce an element of danger into an otherwise mind-numbing sex life, or maybe you’re […]

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Trump Opts To Pardon Exclusively White And Affluent Turkeys

December 3, 2018 5:00 pmComments Off on Trump Opts To Pardon Exclusively White And Affluent Turkeys
Trump Opts To Pardon Exclusively White And Affluent Turkeys

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone. Between the gluttonous binging preceding gut-wrenching regret and the inevitable turkey drops that everyone saw coming, the holiday break brought few shockers outside of typical turkey-centric expectations. In the tradition of ceremonial turkey pardons, President Trump shocked no-one in selecting to pardon two White-Anglo-Saxon-Protestant […]

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Overzealous PHE Caught Castrating Residents

October 29, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Overzealous PHE Caught Castrating Residents
Overzealous PHE Caught Castrating Residents

The past years have seen numerous efforts by the administration to foster a safe sexual culture and combat the rampant teenage pregnancy rate afflicting campus – to no avail. Despite campaigns involving distributing brownies containing condoms and including birth control pills in dining halls at weekend brunch, the university students […]

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