You found your Stanford crush. Now what?
The Class of 2028 Instagram serves one and only one purpose: help you identify your future boyfriend and archnemesis as quickly as possible. Mutually exclusive they need not be! In fact, the speed at which the quarter system passes by necessitates streamlined interactions. Efficiency is the name of the game: have your cake and eat it too. Make your crush also be the person you want to decimate. Hate fuck is a thing for a reason. If you do not have your bachelorette party, ride or die, fuck it we balls set by the second day of school, statistics say you’re guaranteed to die alone on the isolated coasts of Greenland with only an emperor penguin named Greg for company.
Once the target has been identified, the ways you proceed are up to you! Now that you’re away from the overbearing mother of yours (ugh, rough childhood huh?), free will can easily be discovered. Who’s there to stop you from running across main quad nude? No one. Do it. I dare you.
However, the core objective is to stake out the competition early and meet negotiations with an offer too good to deny.
To gather intel, try staying streamlined on the Zuckerberg platforms and follow his grandma’s Facebook account. Get real deep into his family’s lore: his uncle was an alcoholic, his aunt has 4 babies each with different fathers, his sister works for Apple, etc. This way, in those “get to know me” chats on the first day, you’re in full control. He thinks you guys are a match made in heaven: you know differently. Keep building up that seventeen page dossier you have on file. Oh, his childhood dog that got “sent to Upstate New York”? Download .jpg files of said dog breed and make it your background. Feeling like things are moving a little slow? Remember, seduction is a powerful tool. Those more committed may wish to create a fake Facebook profile to sweet talk Mimi: become his new grandfather. Jefferey, 15 miles away is looking to talk? Sure, but we both know that’s just you. Get invited to the family cookout to really cement your presence in his life.
For those more musically inclined, try tracking his Spotify activity. Record-keeping is crucial: create a spreadsheet of all the artists and accounts he follows and check-in bi-weekly to see if he’s started following anyone new. That way you’ll 1. Be the first to study up on his new binge listens: He’s playing Juna by Clairo, probably about to breakup with his high school sweetheart. and 2. Find your competition. He just started following a Rebecca. Is she a friend that he just casually Jams with or is that his new situationship? Either way, you should definitely Tonya Harding her.
If all else is proving less than ideal in terms of success, try the good old “roommate…” Stanford studies show that once you hook up with his freshman year roommate, there is a 100% guarantee that you’ll later go on a date with him. Sure, it makes for a little bit of an awkward intro, but then you can go ahead and check off “discover spit brothers” off that roster of yours.
