In her most recent Fall audit, Stanford Club Compliance officer Kathie Terry discovered a shocking conspiracy surrounding the Stanford Birdwatching Club.
“I had been eyeing the profile of this group for some time” reported Terry in her paper. “My first suspicions began when I inspected the club documents this past spring. I was searching through club files and discovered that several documents had been tampered with.
Eventually, I was able to recover the club roster, and its contents only deepened the mystery of who is watching these birds.
Listed on the roster were Mr. Bigglesworth, Sir Buster III, Bacon, and Tiger. I also found at least one faculty member, “Professor Cuddles”, which may be in violation of SAL funding codes.
“This alone might in itself call for some suspicion. Nevertheless, it was in the club budget that I found the most compelling evidence of something amiss.An overwhelming portion of the budget consisted of packaged smoked salmon and balls of string, with 0 going to the purchase of forty ounces of catnip.
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“With these two documents in mind – and with the discovery of several half-eaten birds amongst the club possessions – I came to the conclusion that I had uncovered a conspiracy of the same magnitude of the Watergate Scandal.” Heeding Terry’s recommendations, Stanford has repeatedly sought out the club’s founder and current president, Peaches, for questioning. Peaches is presumed to be in hiding. The Stanford Flipside has designated the hotline 555-3285-4141 for any information leading to Peaches finding. Peaches’ most recent club portrait is included above.
