NEW YORK, NY – After two stressful years of waiting, the Thompson family has reported that their baby boy Riley has finally said his first words. Much to the surprise of his upper-middle class parents, these words were: “You’re inadequate parents.”
Though developmentally normal in every respect, Riley’s parents reported that he has also demonstrated some strange behavior, including scowling heavily, writing in a journal, and flipping off passing buses. “I’m so proud of my baby boy!” said Riley’s mother Linda Thompson, “he used his first contraction!” It has come as a great relief to Riley’s parents to find that Riley is capable of speech. “We have a Puerto Rican muchacha in the house, Consuela, and I presume she takes very good care of him. But when I would come home from a long day of shopping and bridge club to spend my daily ten minutes with my son, he would never say a word to me. I was starting to get concerned.”
Said Riley’s father Brandon Thompson, “Once I got back from my vacation with my secretary in the Canary Islands, Linda told me that Riley wasn’t speaking. My boy needs to be able to assert himself like a man. I won’t have my children thinking before they speak, or any of that nonsense. How is my boy going to be president of the Yale Debate Society that way?”
Thrilled with the overdeveloped lexicon of their child, Linda and Brandon Thompson have decided to spend even less time with him, as Linda comments, “Learning on his own is clearly working for him. My boy is so special.”
