Flipside Staff Note: Head investigative reporter, Levi Wayman, sat with Mumble—the star of the hit 2006 documentary, Happy Feet. Reports have alleged that Mumble isn’t doing well. He recently went through a break-up with a penguin he never officially dated. As we walked into his home for the interview, we stepped over empty icicle tubs and an unmade nest. Mumble walked in with unshaven feathers, a very noticeably unbrushed beak, and deadened eyes. Here is the inside scoop.
Levi Wayman: Thanks for speaking with us today, Mumble. We want to hear about how you are doing in this difficult time. Tell us about her.
Mumble, the Happy Feet Penguin: Oh, Levi. Thanks for checking in. Honestly, I’m not doing well. I keep wracking my brain for any ideas about why things ended. Was it casual when we tap danced together? When I listened to her sing? Like, I performed an entire jukebox musical for her, and she won’t even text me back now. I don’t know what went wrong. After we… danced (editor’s note: we checked, and this is not a euphemism), I thought we would be together forever, but then she told me she didn’t see a future with me right now.
LW: Our sources say she was really out of your league… What did you even talk about?
MTHFP: Like any other couple, we talked about a life together! And raising a bi-glacial chick who could sing and dance. We talked about our hopes, dreams, and fears. We laughed over endless games of “fuck, marry, krill” and philosophized over stories like “The Emperor Penguin’s New Clothes.” We entertained political debates about how to fix our communities’ rampant polarization, we even went to church and preyed together. I did everything with her…
[Mumble broke down into uncontrollable penguin sobs and then regained control]
We stayed up and talked all night about having an egg together. We planned dates to the IcebergWorld where we were going to eat funnel crab cakes and go on the Ferris Eel… This is, of course, if she was ever able to come to Antarctica to visit me.
LW: Wait… she wasn’t even from your continent? How did you meet?
MTHFP: Well, we met on Flippr. She sent me an arctic rose first, I might add. But, Levi, I think we could’ve made the long-distance work. To be completely frank, the north to south pole isn’t really that far if you consider modern technologies! It’s only 14 days to get to the Arctic by barge.
LW: So… how far did you get with her?
MTHFP: We said, “I love you”! Well, I mean… uh I danced to “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” so that’s… y’know… pretty similar. Oh! Also, when she was here for spring break we also got to 3rd base— looking longingly into each other’s eyes while we brutally mass murder a school of anchovies.
LW: Did you meet her parents or friends or anything?
MTHFP: Well, uh… they were all like… bad weekends… and they were on an ice fishing trip… but I totally would’ve under normal circumstances.
LW: Mumble, there are so many seals on the ice shelf—you’ll find someone else. How is the rest of your dating life going?
MTHFP: Levi, it’s fucking awful. I went on a date with one penguin who had THREE emotional support salmon!! God, I’m gagging thinking about it. And they were just flopping around the igloo!! And this other one? Yeah, she had a webbed-feet fetish. Maybe I would be more into dating other penguins if I wasn’t surrounded by RUNTS.
LW: We heard you do not feel like dancing anymore. What are you going to do now?
MTHFP: I’m going to focus on myself. Who knows? Maybe I’ll go get a PhD.
LW: Thank you for speaking with us, Mumble. We at Flipside wish you luck in your healing journey.
