In the wake of the Trump Administration’s mission to eliminate diversity, equity, and inclusion initiatives from all of America’s elite universities, Stanford has endured much criticism for its silence around the importance of diverse students in such a critical time.
Just today, President Jon Levin has spoken out, releasing a statement to the entire student body emphasizing his continued support for all types of students: “While President Trump had some good points, there is one type of diversity I’m afraid Stanford can’t live without: variety in astrological signs.”
Beginning with the next application cycle and lunar new year, Stanford’s admission office has adopted a revolutionary new policy to increase its prioritized form of diversity as well as cosmic alignment. The university’s admissions process will take into consideration applicants’ astrological signs.
“We’re moving away from outdated measures like GPA,” explained Virgo Dean Shaw. “We want to know if Mercury was in retrograde when you took the SAT.”
The Common App’s new supplemental questions now include: “Tell us about a time your Sun sign held you back academically and how you overcame it” and “Describe how your unique planetary placements will contribute to Stanford’s cosmically diverse community.”
Critics say the new policy unfairly benefits earth signs and discriminates against air signs.
“I wish I’d been born at 12:03 A.M. instead of 7:42 P.M.” sobbed a Scorpio with a rising Libra moon. “Then I would have Jupiter in the 9th house and have a shot at getting in.”