Post Tagged with: "Stanford"

Student Gets Long, Restorative Night of Sleep

January 25, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Student Gets Long, Restorative Night of Sleep
Student Gets Long, Restorative Night of Sleep

Smiling and basking in the golden sunlight which has become the norm in the last few weeks, Junior Derek Newman told reporters that on Sunday night he relished in a 11 hour night of deep, wonderful sleep. “I wasn’t that tired before,” said Newman, a likable and modestly attractive computer […]

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Recent Alum Happy to Have Left Activism Behind

November 16, 2015 12:00 pmComments Off on Recent Alum Happy to Have Left Activism Behind
Recent Alum Happy to Have Left Activism Behind

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – This week has proved a difficult one for the United States and the world. From racially motivated threats across college campuses to terrorist attacks in Paris and Beirut, activists of all stripes have heard their call to action. Not everyone, however, has immediately taken to the […]

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Student Groups Replace Roll Out Tradition with Roll Ins

October 13, 2015 9:00 amComments Off on Student Groups Replace Roll Out Tradition with Roll Ins
Student Groups Replace Roll Out Tradition with Roll Ins

After decades of greeting new members by pounding on doors and screaming in the wee hours of the morning, several student groups have begun to implement a new tradition, deemed “roll-ins”. Instead of waking up accepted members, groups now escort rejected students back to their dorm rooms and lock them […]

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David Shaw’s Math Issues Worsen As Offense Improves

October 12, 2015 12:01 pmComments Off on David Shaw’s Math Issues Worsen As Offense Improves
David Shaw’s Math Issues Worsen As Offense Improves

Since his appointment as head coach five years ago, David Shaw has been known for his low scoring, conservative victories. But it was only after the Stanford offense’s recent impressive play, in which they scored 42, 41 and 55 points, that those closest to Shaw have finally realized that the […]

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NASA Begins Search For Water In Stanford Fountain

October 5, 2015 9:00 amComments Off on NASA Begins Search For Water In Stanford Fountain
NASA Begins Search For Water In Stanford Fountain

“Locating fairly conclusive signs of liquid water on Mars indicated it was time to move onto the real challenges,” confirmed administrator Charles Bolden last Sunday. “Sure, there could be life elsewhere in the universe, but California? That would fucking blow our minds.” Successfully avoiding the culmination of decades searching for extraterrestrial […]

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A Letter to the Class of 2019’s One Mistake

September 21, 2015 12:01 pmComments Off on A Letter to the Class of 2019’s One Mistake
A Letter to the Class of 2019’s One Mistake

Dear Amy, Yes, that Amy. You with the hair. You know who I mean. I am Fonsworth T. Clydesdale, a spirit inhabiting what you might call the astral plane. I was also a Stanford admissions mistake, Stanford’s first admissions mistake, all the way back in the hale fall of 1891. […]

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Area Boy Admitted into Stanford, Area Community Still Unimpressed

January 14, 2015 9:00 amComments Off on Area Boy Admitted into Stanford, Area Community Still Unimpressed
Area Boy Admitted into Stanford, Area Community Still Unimpressed

(Idaho City, Idaho): Over this winter vacation, high school senior Harry Enright achieved the dreams of many of his peers: he was accepted early action into Stanford University. Despite Enright’s acceptance, however, his continued mediocrity still leaves his community a little underwhelmed. “After Harry received his acceptance letter, I expected […]

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Wearing Stanford T-Shirt around High School Friends Proves Less Subtle than Expected

January 5, 2015 12:00 pmComments Off on Wearing Stanford T-Shirt around High School Friends Proves Less Subtle than Expected
Wearing Stanford T-Shirt around High School Friends Proves Less Subtle than Expected

When Sophomore Tyrese Jenkins learned that his high school pals were getting together for a winter-break reunion, he knew that an understated reminder of his attendance at Stanford was in order. Unfortunately, his wearing of the classic red t-shirt with the white type ultimately fell drastically short of “subliminal.” Indeed, […]

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Stanford Student Excited to be Immersed in Stanford Culture Overse

October 6, 2014 9:00 amComments Off on Stanford Student Excited to be Immersed in Stanford Culture Overse
Stanford Student Excited to be Immersed in Stanford Culture Overse

(Florence, Italy) – Junior Lily Margalis reportedly expressed to friends and family earlier this week how excited she was to experience Stanford culture in a totally different country. “I think this is a truly amazing opportunity,” said Margalis, gesturing at the quaint cafés and ristoranti in the vicinity of the […]

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Student Starts Anti-Helmet Campaign

February 26, 2014 9:00 amComments Off on Student Starts Anti-Helmet Campaign
Student Starts Anti-Helmet Campaign

A group of concerned students on campus have stepped forward to create a new student organization, Hopeless Helmets, to combat one of Stanford’s most unacknowledged safety hazards. Club Founder and President Carl Muntz ’14 explains that the mission of the group is to eliminate the protective biking headgear once and […]

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