Post Tagged with: "Stanford"

Student Wondering If Ceiling Fan Rotating Fast Enough To Decapitate TA

October 19, 2016 9:00 amComments Off on Student Wondering If Ceiling Fan Rotating Fast Enough To Decapitate TA
Student Wondering If Ceiling Fan Rotating Fast Enough To Decapitate TA

Gazing idly at the rotating blades whirring above the whiteboard at the end of the room, junior Robert Schmidt reportedly wondered aloud yesterday whether the ceiling fan was moving fast enough to decapitate his TA. “Yeah, I bet that sucker could chop his head clean off,” Schmidt whispered to reporters as the TA answered […]

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Student Running Pretty Low on Tide Pods

October 18, 2016 9:00 amComments Off on Student Running Pretty Low on Tide Pods
Student Running Pretty Low on Tide Pods

Following a trip to the Trancos laundry room last Thursday, sophomore David Siegelman was shocked to discover that his supply of Tide Pods was dangerously lacking. “Uh oh.” Siegelman reportedly uttered to himself after calculating that he could handle just two more loads of laundry with the current amount of detergent […]

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Freshman “Not Actually All That Special” Says Grandmother After Campus Visit

October 12, 2016 9:00 amComments Off on Freshman “Not Actually All That Special” Says Grandmother After Campus Visit
Freshman “Not Actually All That Special” Says Grandmother After Campus Visit

Many students find it difficult to transition from high school into Stanford, but one member of the class of 2020 has had a particularly difficult time. Growing up, Michael Kaplan was constantly reminded by his grandmother that he was loved and cherished. In all of his endeavors, Michael’s grandmother was […]

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Op-Ed: However Much Money You Make When We Graduate, You’ll Never Catch Me on My Cherry Red Scooter 6000

September 26, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Op-Ed: However Much Money You Make When We Graduate, You’ll Never Catch Me on My Cherry Red Scooter 6000
Op-Ed: However Much Money You Make When We Graduate, You’ll Never Catch Me on My Cherry Red Scooter 6000

Hey, I’m Jonas, and I’ve got one thing to say: I’m way cooler than you’ll ever be. That’s because of my new diesel-powered Scooter Bike 6000. It’s red, has a miniature license plate, and can go from 0 to 60 in under 12 seconds. I already know that’s cooler than […]

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Coolest Kid at NSO Already “So Over This Lame Place”

September 22, 2016 12:01 pmComments Off on Coolest Kid at NSO Already “So Over This Lame Place”
Coolest Kid at NSO Already “So Over This Lame Place”

Early reports from sources in Wilbur indicate that Saniyya Miller, the coolest member of the Stanford Class of 2020, is already “tired of this weird, conform-y, suffocating campus”.  Despite the excited shouts of her RAs, the warm smiles of her newfound dormmates, and a slew of upbeat orientation programming, Miller […]

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Stanford in Redwood City Deemed School’s “Worst Abroad Program”

May 9, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Stanford in Redwood City Deemed School’s “Worst Abroad Program”
Stanford in Redwood City Deemed School’s “Worst Abroad Program”

Only months after its establishment, Stanford in Redwood City has already drawn criticism as Stanford’s worst-ever abroad program. Although it features several amenities not available on Stanford’s home campus, such as a “a town square that will serve as the civic heart of the campus” and “ample parking”, students have […]

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Board Members Estimate Grandchildren Will Be Rich Enough to Avoid Whatever Global Warming Throws at Them Anyway

May 2, 2016 12:01 pmComments Off on Board Members Estimate Grandchildren Will Be Rich Enough to Avoid Whatever Global Warming Throws at Them Anyway
Board Members Estimate Grandchildren Will Be Rich Enough to Avoid Whatever Global Warming Throws at Them Anyway

The Board of Trustees announced this week that, despite countless student protests, petitions, and calls by faculty to divest Stanford of fossil fuels, they will ultimately not modify the university’s existing investment portfolio. But while many were confused by the decision to support an industry that has proven to be […]

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Stanford to Ban Students

April 4, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Stanford to Ban Students
Camera 360

Provost John Etchemendy Ph.D. ’82 and President John Hennessy emailed the student body in recent weeks to announce their proposal to stymie alcohol misuse in dorms. Starting in the 2016-17 academic year, the university has proposed a ban on undergraduate students. The ban hopes to reduce alcohol transports, a growing […]

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The 5 Most Impressive Stanford Students, Ranked By How Sad They Are Right Before They Go To Sleep

March 28, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on The 5 Most Impressive Stanford Students, Ranked By How Sad They Are Right Before They Go To Sleep
The 5 Most Impressive Stanford Students, Ranked By How Sad They Are Right Before They Go To Sleep

Cameron Yi Cameron may have invented a portable defibrillator for remote hospitals in the third world, but he still feels an unexplainable weight in his chest in the last few minutes before he closes his eyes. It could be from the time his babysitter locked him in the bathroom as […]

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Bomb Threat Found To Be Package From Mom

January 27, 2016 9:00 amComments Off on Bomb Threat Found To Be Package From Mom
Bomb Threat Found To Be Package From Mom

Last Thursday, SUPD was called in to the Roble Package Center to investigate a worrying package that had been marked for investigation by the package center workers. The package aroused suspicion after its only noticeable marking was a card that said, “Don’t open it right away… there’s a special surprise […]

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