Post Tagged with: "football"

Kicker Spared From Joke

January 8, 2012 3:36 pmComments Off on Kicker Spared From Joke
Kicker Spared From Joke
Read more ›

Students With 10 Loyalty Points Pissed You Only Needed 4 Points For Oregon Game

November 14, 2011 6:00 amComments Off on Students With 10 Loyalty Points Pissed You Only Needed 4 Points For Oregon Game
Students With 10 Loyalty Points Pissed You Only Needed 4 Points For Oregon Game

Even though the Cardinal lost to the Ducks, students are still up in arms about the number of loyalty points required to enter the game. “It’s fucking bullshit,” bitched Steven Palmer, a holder of 10 loyalty points. “I went to everything. Women’s volleyball. Men’s soccer. Even the San Jose State […]

Read more ›

Girlfriend to Start Offering Loyalty Points for Access to Bedroom

October 24, 2011 11:00 amComments Off on Girlfriend to Start Offering Loyalty Points for Access to Bedroom
Girlfriend to Start Offering Loyalty Points for Access to Bedroom

STOREY HOUSE, ROW—Stanford junior and girlfriend Lisa Alberts has started to implement a loyalty points system for her boyfriend Eric Bellman. Bellman, who has been extremely flakey over the last two and a half months of the relationship, said he has had a hard time keeping up with the loyalty […]

Read more ›

Stanford Institutes New Policy of Selling Riot Tickets Online Immediately After a Win

October 14, 2011 6:00 amComments Off on Stanford Institutes New Policy of Selling Riot Tickets Online Immediately After a Win
Stanford Institutes New Policy of Selling Riot Tickets Online Immediately After a Win

STANFORD, CA–In light of the recent success of the football team, Stanford has started selling tickets to the post-game riots online. The demand for these riot tickets has been so high, however, that the athletic department has been selling out of the riot tickets only a half hour after opening. […]

Read more ›

Condoleezza Rice Leads Cardinal in Aerial Attack Against UCLA

October 13, 2011 6:00 amComments Off on Condoleezza Rice Leads Cardinal in Aerial Attack Against UCLA
Condoleezza Rice Leads Cardinal in Aerial Attack Against UCLA

Stanford named Condoleezza Rice an honorary football captain at the game on Saturday in honor of her past exploits on the gridiron as a Stanford linebacker. Rice was so excited to relive her glory days that she jumped the gun, rushing into the stadium early, but became noticeably flustered upon […]

Read more ›

Andrew Luck Skips NFL, Goes Straight to Prison

October 10, 2011 6:00 amComments Off on Andrew Luck Skips NFL, Goes Straight to Prison
Andrew Luck Skips NFL, Goes Straight to Prison

Following what will surely be another amazing season, star quarterback Andrew Luck has decided to skip enrollment in the NFL and go straight to prison, a move which has excited a flurry of activity among the higher echelons of the pre-game-show douchebag world. Mark Walder, a veteran sports analyst for […]

Read more ›

An Open Letter To Andrew Luck

October 3, 2011 6:00 amComments Off on An Open Letter To Andrew Luck
An Open Letter To Andrew Luck

Dear Andrew, Let’s dispense with the formalities. We should be friends. I’m not talking Bill and Ted or Harold and Maude—I’m thinking more like Damon and Affleck. You know, just two laid-back, successful dudes that happen kick it together on the weekends and sometimes during the week when they don’t […]

Read more ›

Greetings from the First Mass-Produced Stanford Student!

April 24, 2011 9:01 amComments Off on Greetings from the First Mass-Produced Stanford Student!
Greetings from the First Mass-Produced Stanford Student!

Hi there, fellow student. I’m fresh off the assembly line they’ve set up in the basement of Munger and am glad we met. We should go to the CoHo sometime to catch up, and then resolve to do it more often. What are your interests? Personally I’m interested in diversity […]

Read more ›

Stanford Hires Richard Shaw As New Football Coach

January 27, 2011 9:15 amComments Off on Stanford Hires Richard Shaw As New Football Coach
Stanford Hires Richard Shaw As New Football Coach

Stanford athletic director Bob Bowlsby welcomed Richard Shaw earlier today as the new head coach of the Stanford football team. Shaw has been the dean of admission at Stanford for a number of years, and he has been instrumental in admitting some of the top recruits in the nation. “Shaw […]

Read more ›

Stanford Builds New 400 Seat Stadium

January 9, 2011 9:10 amComments Off on Stanford Builds New 400 Seat Stadium
Stanford Builds New 400 Seat Stadium

Construction for a new football stadium will begin next week, as the Cardinal look forward to their 2010-2011 season.  Although planners designed only 400 seats in the stadium, it is predicted to increase Stanford’s future BCS ranking. “We figured that we could at least sell out half the games with […]

Read more ›