Lex Luthor Top Contender in GOP Presidential Race

October 11, 2011 6:00 am
Lex Luthor Top Contender in GOP Presidential Race

METROPOLIS—Republicans across the country were stunned when famed philanthropist and long-time supervillain Lex Luthor announced his candidacy in the 2012 Republican primary. Speaking from the steps of Capitol Hill, Luthor proclaimed, “Republicans need someone who can guarantee victory next November. I am that man. I have wrestled with men far […]

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Issue 93 Puzzles

October 10, 2011 12:00 pm
Issue 93 Puzzles
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Student’s Kindle Not Working

6:00 am
Student’s Kindle Not Working
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Freshman Growing Accustomed to Roommate’s Masturbation Habits

6:00 am
Freshman Growing Accustomed to Roommate’s Masturbation Habits
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John Arrillaga Wakes Up From Bender to Discover He’s Spent Billions on Buildings

6:00 am
John Arrillaga Wakes Up From Bender to Discover He’s Spent Billions on Buildings

Sources close to the Arrillaga Family report that on Monday, construction and real estate mogul John Arrillaga woke up after several blacked-out years of continuous binge drinking to discover that he had financed and facilitated the construction of billions of dollars worth of Stanford facilities. Reportedly, the business man and […]

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Andrew Luck Skips NFL, Goes Straight to Prison

6:00 am
Andrew Luck Skips NFL, Goes Straight to Prison

Following what will surely be another amazing season, star quarterback Andrew Luck has decided to skip enrollment in the NFL and go straight to prison, a move which has excited a flurry of activity among the higher echelons of the pre-game-show douchebag world. Mark Walder, a veteran sports analyst for […]

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CHINLIT 18N Enrollment Skyrockets Since Last Autumn

6:00 am
CHINLIT 18N Enrollment Skyrockets Since Last Autumn

Following in the footsteps of CS 106A, enrollment in CHINLIT18N: Hints of Homosexuality in Daoist Literature has more than doubled since last autumn, according to the latest statistics from the Registrar’s Office. The course, which had two students in 2010, currently has five students enrolled with one shopping. Professor Sheila […]

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