Vote Student Wellness For ASSU Senate

April 5, 2009 11:20 am
Vote Student Wellness For ASSU Senate

By Stanley Waters This week, as students across campus are deciding which candidates they will support in the upcoming ASSU Senate Elections, many eyes are turned towards Student Wellness. Althoguth Mr. Wellness has resisted guerrilla campaign tactics like many of his opponents, he has still garnered almost universal support. For […]

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Vote ********** for ASSU Senate!

11:19 am
Vote ********** for ASSU Senate!

The name says it all. Most likely, you’ve already seen ********** ‘s flier taped to a bulletin board. We decided to endorse this particular candidate because ********** really stands out to us. You can easily distinguish ********** from the rest of the pack, it’s just that x-factor. With a unique […]

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The Flipside Supports the Chappie Slate, haha

11:15 am
The Flipside Supports the Chappie Slate, haha
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Everything Explodes

11:13 am
Everything Explodes
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March Madness To Be Covered Under Universal Health Care

March 29, 2009 11:00 pm
March Madness To Be Covered Under Universal Health Care

After learning that the disease often contracted in the spring, March Madness, was not covered in America’s healthcare plan for millions of citizens, President Obama decided action was necessary. At a press conference earlier today, The President addressed the issue, “This is a serious problem. We need to change the […]

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Obama Expected To Give Sober Speech To Congress

February 25, 2009 12:51 pm
Obama Expected To Give Sober Speech To Congress

Many were speculating whether Obama’s next speech to Congress would be one where he is intoxicated or sober, but majority opinion has seemed to reflect that they believe he will be sober. “I know he is a great speaker, but I don’t think he is at the point yet where […]

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Supreme Court Hopes to Serve More Poetic Justice

February 22, 2009 9:30 pm
Supreme Court Hopes to Serve More Poetic Justice

By Gideon Constable WASHINGTON, D.C—After many groundbreaking, obscurely worded, and contested decisions, the United States Supreme Court under Chief Justice John Roberts has decided unanimously to serve much more poetic justice than it has in the past. “We just want our decisions to have that sort of feel, that when […]

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Obama Rebukes African Leaders for Lack of African Americans in Africa

February 16, 2009 5:21 pm
Obama Rebukes African Leaders for Lack of African Americans in Africa

While the United States celebrates the inauguration of its first African American president, signifying a break from hundreds of years of racism, segregation, and slavery, many are concerned that other countries in the world will never be able to accomplish the same. A recent study has shown that there are […]

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Opinion: Give Fetuses The Vote in 2012

February 8, 2009 4:22 pm
Opinion: Give Fetuses The Vote in 2012

This past November, I watched with horror as Barack Hussein Obama captured the White House from our beloved GOP. Our party shattered into little fragments, and some of those were lost to the blue side. I don’t know if we can bring the intellectuals, the libertarians, or the soccer moms […]

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Bill Clinton Accepts Presidency In Zoolander-Like Display

January 31, 2009 4:15 pm
Bill Clinton Accepts Presidency In Zoolander-Like Display
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