Congress Grills Mark Zuckerberg: Why Are Millennials So Into Electronic Music?

April 16, 2018 11:59 am
Congress Grills Mark Zuckerberg: Why Are Millennials So Into Electronic Music?

On Tuesday, Mark Zuckerberg appeared in front of the Senate Judiciary and Commerce committees in a long-awaited reckoning for the Facebook CEO. Viewers anticipated the excoriation brought on by the compelling interrogation on Facebook’s loose handling of data and government regulation of tech companies. Senator John Kennedy of Louisiana began […]

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Idiot High School Senior Mistakes Stanford Review for Review of Stanford, Becomes Radicalized

March 5, 2018 1:44 pm
Idiot High School Senior Mistakes Stanford Review for Review of Stanford, Becomes Radicalized

The college application process is hard, and no one knows that better than high school seniors. But when Clark Whitby, of Henry David Thoreau High School’s Class of 2018, tried to find a little online help to clear up his options, a foolish mix-up led him to mistake the Stanford […]

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Fucking Typical: This Millennial Spent All His Money on Avocado Toast and Healthcare

February 22, 2018 3:54 pm
Fucking Typical: This Millennial Spent All His Money on Avocado Toast and Healthcare

No surprises here, folks: just another lazy teenager, sucking dry the plump teat of Lady Liberty. Local millennial Trevor Corks might seem like a good kid on the outside — after all, his parents did their best to raise him right — but a closer look reveals something far uglier […]

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Jeff Sessions Introduces New Policy Aimed at Stopping “Urban Youths” from Stealing Pies Off Window Sills

1:35 pm
Jeff Sessions Introduces New Policy Aimed at Stopping “Urban Youths” from Stealing Pies Off Window Sills

In a surprise announcement Monday morning, Jeff Sessions introduced a new anti-crime bill aimed at stopping “urban youths” from snatching fresh-baked pies off window sills where they’d been set down to cool for a moment. “For far too long, young urban miscreants have terrorized innocent pie-bakers across this nation,” Sessions […]

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Trembling Mitch McConnell Tightly Clutches Anthropomorphic Stuffed Firearm Amidst Calls for Gun Reform

February 19, 2018 12:00 pm
Trembling Mitch McConnell Tightly Clutches Anthropomorphic Stuffed Firearm Amidst Calls for Gun Reform

A warm glass of milk, a quick splash of water to the face, and the company of his stuffed childhood pal “Arnie the AR-15” – these are the rituals that have lulled Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to sleep every night since he was a young boy. Only when clutching Arnie […]

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Op-Ed: Jeff Sessions Found Me Smoking Weed on Wilbur Field And Now I’m In Federal Prison

February 12, 2018 10:44 am
Op-Ed: Jeff Sessions Found Me Smoking Weed on Wilbur Field And Now I’m In Federal Prison
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Report: Trump Enjoying a Lively Game of Monopoly: Horse Lovers Edition Amidst Government Shutdown

January 22, 2018 12:00 pm
Report: Trump Enjoying a Lively Game of Monopoly: Horse Lovers Edition Amidst Government Shutdown

Following the government shutdown this past week, President and Rich Man Donald J. Trump reportedly took his newfound free time to sit back, relax, and enjoy a riveting game of Monopoly: Horse Lovers Edition ®. Galloping around the corner on Go to collect 200 “salt licks,” Trump cheered gleefully as […]

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The Conspiracy Grows: Now the Russian Hackers Have Filled My Search History With Yeti Porn

December 4, 2017 12:00 pm
The Conspiracy Grows: Now the Russian Hackers Have Filled My Search History With Yeti Porn
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Trump Yanked Off Stage In Middle Of Speech By Comically-Oversized Cane

12:00 pm
Trump Yanked Off Stage In Middle Of Speech By Comically-Oversized Cane
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Sustainability Success: EPA Director Scott Pruitt Has Murdered Enough Babies to Make America Carbon Neutral

12:00 pm
Sustainability Success: EPA Director Scott Pruitt Has Murdered Enough Babies to Make America Carbon Neutral

It’s been a tough year for Scott Pruitt, but it looks like things might finally be turning around for the recently­appointed Environmental Protection Agency head. In a press release Tuesday, Pruitt proudly reported that the United States has achieved a net­zero aggregate carbon footprint for the first time in recent history, all due to Pruitt’s innovative “Murder Our Rugrats Order Ninety” strategy. The MORON initiative has now completed its first 6 months in operation, and the numbers tell a promising story. Before the program began, there were approximately 4 million babies in the United States and the country had a total carbon footprint of 6,870 million metric tons of carbon dioxide equivalents. Since the strategy was implemented, the agency has disposed of 3.98 million carbon­intensive babies, and reduced America’s carbon footprint to a perfect zero. Liberals and conservatives nationwide have celebrated the success for demonstrating that the EPA can be politically successful while still moving away from their nefarious history of industry regulation. “I sure do miss Oklahoma, but boy oh boy do I enjoy my new job,” Pruitt offered when asked about the success. “I just love being able to work with kids!” In other news, current Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson has announced a recent surplus of government­issued meat, which will be distributed among the homeless of Washington, D.C. this Christmas.

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