Klobuchar Attacks Booker for Being “An Electoralist Hack” with “No Handle on Dialectical Materialism”

March 4, 2019 7:00 pm
Klobuchar Attacks Booker for Being “An Electoralist Hack” with “No Handle on Dialectical Materialism”

As the presidential primary season gets under way and the Democratic roster becomes increasingly packed with candidates looking to go toe-to-toe with President Trump in 2020, things have taken a nasty turn after Sen. Amy Klobuchar publicly attacked Sen. Cory Booker as “an electoralist hack” with “absolutely no handle on […]

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Bernie Sheds His Exoskeleton Again, Emerging 30 Years Younger and Ready to Rumble

February 25, 2019 7:00 pm
Bernie Sheds His Exoskeleton Again, Emerging 30 Years Younger and Ready to Rumble

In a video announcing his presidential campaign, Bernie Sanders (D-VT) is seen staring grimly at the camera. As the video draws to a close, however, Bernie engages in his quadrennial ritual: he curls up on the ground, convulses a few times, and shucks off all of his skin and clothing, […]

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El Chapo’s Private Zoo’s Lack of Diversity “Troubling”, DeVos Says

February 19, 2019 7:00 pm
El Chapo’s Private Zoo’s Lack of Diversity “Troubling”, DeVos Says

Notorious Mexican drug lord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, who has been on trial in Brooklyn over the past month, has been revealed to own a private zoo. After the court’s biased and unfair decision to sentence him to life on February 12th, many men and women have spoken up, condemning […]

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Trump Calls Off Government Shutdown After Visit by Ghosts of Three Honduran Migrants

January 14, 2019 7:00 pm
Trump Calls Off Government Shutdown After Visit by Ghosts of Three Honduran Migrants

WASHINGTON – Earlier this morning, President Trump shocked both Democrats and Republicans alike when he announced from the White House Rose Garden that he’s giving up on the government shutdown, and his “kooky scheme” of building a border wall thanks to a late-night visitation by the spectral reincarnations of three […]

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Senate Unable to Reach Agreement on Wallpaper for Border Wall, Gov. Remains Shut Down

7:00 pm
Senate Unable to Reach Agreement on Wallpaper for Border Wall, Gov. Remains Shut Down
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A Political Science Major’s Credible Take on France’s Current Situation

December 10, 2018 5:00 pm
A Political Science Major’s Credible Take on France’s Current Situation

It’s crazy what’s happening in France. All the protesting! Absolutely mind-blowing. Yes, I’m a poli-sci major, so I probably understand the protest to a much more advanced degree than you. But to put it simply, this protest is at once completely unexpected and extremely expected. I want you all to […]

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White House Wishes a Happy Hanukkah to America’s Globalists

December 3, 2018 7:00 pm
White House Wishes a Happy Hanukkah to America’s Globalists
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Trump Opts To Pardon Exclusively White And Affluent Turkeys

5:00 pm
Trump Opts To Pardon Exclusively White And Affluent Turkeys

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone. Between the gluttonous binging preceding gut-wrenching regret and the inevitable turkey drops that everyone saw coming, the holiday break brought few shockers outside of typical turkey-centric expectations. In the tradition of ceremonial turkey pardons, President Trump shocked no-one in selecting to pardon two White-Anglo-Saxon-Protestant […]

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Wow! Bernie Sanders Said He Doesn’t Like Anchovies and Now Conservatives Are Eating Pound After Pound of Salty Fish

November 22, 2018 1:00 pm
Wow! Bernie Sanders Said He Doesn’t Like Anchovies and Now Conservatives Are Eating Pound After Pound of Salty Fish

With political polarization at a fever pitch, it sometimes feels like there’s no middle ground between Democrats and Republicans. And things are only getting worse, if this latest scandal is any indication — after Senator Bernie Sanders offhandedly mentioned that he doesn’t like anchovies, America’s conservatives have taken it upon […]

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Colorblind Democrat Insists Coming “Grey Wave” Will Sweep Midterms, Turn Grey States Grey

November 5, 2018 7:00 pm
Colorblind Democrat Insists Coming “Grey Wave” Will Sweep Midterms, Turn Grey States Grey
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