Student Accidentally Wanders Into Sketchy Grad Student Corner At Full Moon on the Quad

October 19, 2008 1:14 pm
Student Accidentally Wanders Into Sketchy Grad Student Corner At Full Moon on the Quad

HISTORY CORNER, THE QUAD–Freshman student and first time Full-Moon goer Samantha Pelerman found herself overwhelmed and confused as she entered a sea of sketchy grad students last Tuesday at Full Moon on the Quad. “There were at least twenty of them who rushed up to me at once and swore […]

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37% of Full Moon Revelers Identify as Both ‘Senior’ and ‘Freshman’

1:10 pm
37% of Full Moon Revelers Identify as Both ‘Senior’ and ‘Freshman’

According to exit polls conducted by undercover reporters, 72% of Full Moon attendees were freshmen, while seniors accounted for another 65%. Surprisingly, 0% of poll responders identified themselves as sketchy graduate students. Statisticians in the math department analyzed these curious findings and released their reports late last night. “We have […]

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University Physicists Strategically Plan First Full Moon To Be Day Before Midterm

1:01 pm
University Physicists Strategically Plan First Full Moon To Be Day Before Midterm

VARIAN BUILDING–After hours upon hours of equations and tinkering with nature, the Stanford University physicists emerged from the depths of the Varian basement with a solution to one of the most pressing university problems: How to calm down the insane annual event that has come to be known as Full […]

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Lone Sophomore Responsible For Full Mono on the Quad

1:00 pm
Lone Sophomore Responsible For Full Mono on the Quad
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Study Finds Research Results Skewed By Students Looking For Beer Money

October 12, 2008 2:15 am
Study Finds Research Results Skewed By Students Looking For Beer Money

By Gregory Linsch STANFORD—The Stanford Psychology department just released the results to a revolutionary study that they had been conducting over the past forty years: 93.2% of the results they have obtained from surveys and studies conducted on college campuses have come from students looking for beer money. Some are […]

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Campus Police Give Up, Replace ‘STOP’ Signs With ‘GO’ Signs

2:10 am
Campus Police Give Up, Replace ‘STOP’ Signs  With ‘GO’ Signs

By Stanley Waters STANFORD—Last Thursday, in an act many have seen coming for over a decade, Stanford’s campus police department announced its decision to remove all stop signs from the Stanford campus. The initiative is designed to cut down on crime and ease the heavy workload on campus police. “Every […]

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Presidential Debate Ends In “Because I Said So”

2:08 am
Presidential Debate Ends In “Because I Said So”
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Top Lehman Brothers Executive Says Now Is The Best Time To Invest

2:06 am
Top Lehman Brothers Executive Says Now Is The Best Time To Invest
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State of Alabama Bans Same-Sex Swing Marriages

October 8, 2008 6:27 pm
State of Alabama Bans Same-Sex Swing Marriages

By Vladimir Porterman SACRAMENTO—Last week, the Alabama Legislature finalized a law to ban same-sex swing marriages. Preschool and elementary school children around the nation who have been swinging together will no longer be able to swing in unison, and this will be enforced by both recess supervisors and state law. […]

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Congress Rejects Bailout Plan For Inmate #36788

6:19 pm
Congress Rejects Bailout Plan For Inmate #36788

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move that critics around the nation are calling “preposterous”, Congress rejected a bailout plan for inmate number 36788 of the Arlington County Jail. Inmate number 36788 has been in the Arlington County Jail for fifteen years now, serving a sentence for murder, money laundering, and curfew violation. […]

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