Op-Ed: From Now On, if a Friend Shows Me a “Funny Video” and It’s Not Funny, I’m Going to Strangle Them with a Plastic Bag

January 15, 2020 1:01 pm
Op-Ed: From Now On, if a Friend Shows Me a “Funny Video” and It’s Not Funny, I’m Going to Strangle Them with a Plastic Bag

You’ve had it happen to you, haven’t you? A friend, a comrade, someone with whom you’ve entrusted the very secrets of your soul, they usher you into some dark corner and whip their phone out of a pocket like a magician who’s setting up for the last and greatest trick […]

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Op-Ed: Girl in the Socks and Crocs, You Have Stolen My Heart

November 6, 2019 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: Girl in the Socks and Crocs, You Have Stolen My Heart

I knew it from the moment you walked in. I’m not sure what prompted me to raise my head from my book at that moment, sitting in that lecture hall; I’ve never really believed in fate, but I’d make an exception for this. Looking back, I’m not sure what first […]

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Op Ed: I Need to Ask My Professor a Question After Lecture But There’s Like Five or Six Different Mysterious Figures from His Past Seeking Advice About Alien Threats

October 23, 2019 12:00 pm
Op Ed: I Need to Ask My Professor a Question After Lecture But There’s Like Five or Six Different Mysterious Figures from His Past Seeking Advice About Alien Threats

Well, I guess this is what I get for taking a class in xenobiology. I normally leave lecture a few minutes early, but today I stuck around afterwards to ask my professor some questions about our new p-set. Except when I got down to the front of the lecture hall, […]

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Op Ed: How Does It Feel To Take A Life, Charles?

12:00 pm
Op Ed: How Does It Feel To Take A Life, Charles?

Look at me, Charles. No, no — don’t look away. Don’t you dare try to get out of this one, Charles. We know what you did, and you’re not getting out of it this time. You smushed that ant, Charles, and for what — the sin of wanting a taste […]

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Op-Ed: My Brain Is A Greased-Up Dragon and I Have to Wrestle It to The Ground and Count to Ten Every Time I Want to Say Something Coherent

October 16, 2019 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: My Brain Is A Greased-Up Dragon and I Have to Wrestle It to The Ground and Count to Ten Every Time I Want to Say Something Coherent

“Help!” cries the fair maiden in the tower. She represents my good ideas and also ingrained sexist tropes impressed upon my younger mind by a patriarchal society that which depicts women as passive and helpless. “Rawr!” cries the terrible little dragon flying about, guarding the maiden with its steely eyes […]

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Op Ed: To Prepare for the Math 51 Final, I Created a “Mind Palace” Full of Dancing, Anthropomorphic Versions of the Digits Zero Through Nine

June 10, 2019 12:00 pm
Op Ed: To Prepare for the Math 51 Final, I Created a “Mind Palace” Full of Dancing, Anthropomorphic Versions of the Digits Zero Through Nine

When you first see a math problem on the impending Math 51 final, how will your piddling neurons respond? Upon reaching a particularly tricksy question, will your simple brain opt to solve it? You moron. You fool. You absolute shitbrain. I’ve moved far beyond such base concerns, for you see, […]

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Op Ed: Yes, I’m Addicted to Communion Wafers, and No, I Won’t Shut Up About It

May 21, 2019 5:00 pm
Op Ed: Yes, I’m Addicted to Communion Wafers, and No, I Won’t Shut Up About It

There’s this part in the New Testament where Jesus rips off a chunk of his body and turns it into Communion wafers and is all, “Yo, eat some of my flesh!” And while some “progressive” Christians want to claim that that’s a metaphor or whatever, those sadsack excuses for Jeliebers […]

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Op Ed: My Body is an Anarcho-Syndicalist Workers Collective, and I Am Merely Its Elected Delegate

May 18, 2019 4:46 pm
Op Ed: My Body is an Anarcho-Syndicalist Workers Collective, and I Am Merely Its Elected Delegate

I was a king once. As a child, I could command my limbs to move how I wanted, my lungs to breath at my command, my lips and teeth and tongue to eat as much as my greedy little body could hold. But over time my power deteriorated — the […]

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Clarification: We Didn’t Really Mean Arson In Our Threat Against Daily

May 12, 2019 9:45 pm
Clarification: We Didn’t Really Mean Arson In Our Threat Against Daily

Well, okay, maybe we did, but that wasn’t the Only action we were going to perpetrate against them for violating the ancient Code of Satire. So let us clarify, since there seems to have been a slight misunderstanding when we were communicating our threat. In retaliation against the Daily’s creation of a […]

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I’m Retiring from the Thomas the Tank Engine Fandom

April 17, 2019 2:48 pm
I’m Retiring from the Thomas the Tank Engine Fandom

I’m sick of it all. I quit. I came here out of admiration, appreciation. The first time I laid eyes on Thomas the Tank Engine—that perfect azure coat, the gentle curve of the wheels, the soft yet piercing smile on that round, round face—I knew he was perfect. And things […]

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