How To Tame Your Pet Hyena

January 26, 2019 9:00 pm
How To Tame Your Pet Hyena

So you just bought a spotted hyena cub from that sketchy kebab vendor on the corner of Fifth and Elm, near the laundromat. Huh — interesting choice! Perhaps you wanted to surprise your significant other and introduce an element of danger into an otherwise mind-numbing sex life, or maybe you’re […]

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Kid at Disney World Caught Peeking Up Princess’ Dresses, Gets Controversial High Five From Mickey

January 22, 2019 7:00 pm
Kid at Disney World Caught Peeking Up Princess’ Dresses, Gets Controversial High Five From Mickey
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Report: Area Man Whose Birthday is on Christmas Thinks He’s Jesus

December 10, 2018 7:00 pm
Report: Area Man Whose Birthday is on Christmas Thinks He’s Jesus

PALO ALTO, CA – In the last forty-eight hours, Albert Shurenberg, a longtime Palo Alto resident and certified Vehicle Clinician at Crazy Al’s Chrysler Confederation, has been “going off” on social media about how he is, in fact the second coming of Jesus Christ. His proof? Mr. Shurberg was born […]

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Thieves Guild Loses Charter, Goes Underground

November 27, 2018 7:00 pm
Thieves Guild Loses Charter, Goes Underground

Shocking news this Monday! The Stanford Thieves Guild, established in 1921, finally had its charter revoked by University administration after its leader Master Thief Klepto Bria allegedly attempted to steal President Marc Tessier-Lavigne’s family jewels. The Thieves Guild had been one of Stanford’s oldest official student organizations, and the revocation […]

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After Toxic Spill, Local Mutant Baby Born with Power of Cancer

November 12, 2018 7:00 pm
After Toxic Spill, Local Mutant Baby Born with Power of Cancer
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Report: Devil Horny

7:00 pm
Report: Devil Horny
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Stanford Tackles Overcrowding by Pitching Tents on Football Field

November 3, 2018 3:00 pm
Stanford Tackles Overcrowding by Pitching Tents on Football Field

So many trees, so little room! The Stanford Class of 2022 is projected to overwhelm the school’s feeble infrastructure. The university has historically had a problems with overcrowding, which is no surprise, considering its meager $25 billion endowment. Fortunately, it seems that the university with the second largest campus in […]

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Op-Ed: I’m Going as Mario for Halloween, Not The Videogame Character, But The Guy Who Comes into My Dad’s Butcher Shop Every Month and Threatens to Break His Kneecaps if He Doesn’t “Do Right By Him”

October 29, 2018 7:00 pm
Op-Ed: I’m Going as Mario for Halloween, Not The Videogame Character, But The Guy Who Comes into My Dad’s Butcher Shop Every Month and Threatens to Break His Kneecaps if He Doesn’t “Do Right By Him”

Another year, another Halloween costume—and this time I’m dressing up as Mario “Spleen-Blaster” Manocchio, the rough-looking gentleman who saunters into my dad’s meat shop once a month to collect a brown paper bag full of hundred dollar bills, under the stipulation that if my dad doesn’t “pay up” he’ll find […]

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Op-Ed: My Classmates Keep Playing Devil’s Advocate. I Want to Play God’s Advocate.

October 8, 2018 7:00 pm
Op-Ed: My Classmates Keep Playing Devil’s Advocate. I Want to Play God’s Advocate.

Every class I’m in, there always seems to be someone at hand to advocate for the will of Satan. And quite frankly? I’ve had enough of the imbalance. If everyone else is going to keep playing Devil’s Advocate, then it’s high time I play God’s. The Lord has a place […]

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No Way, Yahweh! We Couldn’t Think of a Second Half to this Headline

June 4, 2018 12:00 pm
No Way, Yahweh! We Couldn’t Think of a Second Half to this Headline
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