Parents Still Really Amazed by the Potato Forks for Some Reason

March 1, 2011 9:30 am
Parents Still Really Amazed by the Potato Forks for Some Reason

Freshman Katie Swimmer took her parents to the Treehouse for lunch last weekend, but she couldn’t stop her parents from commenting on the potato forks they used to eat their meal. “They just wouldn’t shut the fuck up about the damn potato forks,” commented Katie, “I haven’t seen them in […]

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Nation’s Hipsters Now Unsure How They Feel About Arcade Fire

February 20, 2011 5:52 pm
Nation’s Hipsters Now Unsure How They Feel About Arcade Fire

In the wake of Arcade Fire’s “The Suburbs” winning album of the year at this year’s Grammys, the nation’s hipster community is reeling as it is forced to reevaluate its opinion of the former indie darlings. Since the release of 2004’s “Funeral,” Arcade Fire has been a favorite of hipster […]

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L’Oreal Unveils “Eco-Poo,” New Line of Fair-Trade, Gluten-Free, Feng-Shui Shampoo

January 14, 2011 9:00 am
L’Oreal Unveils “Eco-Poo,” New Line of Fair-Trade, Gluten-Free, Feng-Shui Shampoo

With environmental consciousness on the rise throughout the United States, product engineers at L’Oreal have resorted to extreme measures to tailor their shampoo to the eco-friendly. According to spokeswoman Sandra Mills, “no animals were harmed in the making of this shampoo. No rocks, boulders, or large trees were harmed in […]

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Stanford to Meet Electricity, Heating Needs by Harnessing President Hennessy’s Raw Sexual Energy

November 28, 2010 4:45 pm
Stanford to Meet Electricity, Heating Needs by Harnessing President Hennessy’s Raw Sexual Energy

In an effort to remain a leader in environmental sustainability, Stanford has announced plans to capture and use University President John Hennessy’s raw sexual energy to meet the campus’s ever-growing energy needs. Similar to wind or solar power, the plan relies on a converting a naturally abundant, renewable and seemingly […]

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Solar Flares Erupt After Sun Stops Proactiv Regimen

November 17, 2010 9:00 am
Solar Flares Erupt After Sun Stops Proactiv Regimen

A few centuries ago, the sun decided to stop using Proactiv products on its surface because he “didn’t feel that they were really making any noticeable difference.” For a while, the sun’s spots remained under control. However, it became evident that the sun made a huge mistake last Saturday when […]

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US Military Unveils Environmentally Friendly Nukes

November 5, 2010 12:00 pm
US Military Unveils Environmentally Friendly Nukes

Earlier this week, Defense Department officials showcased a new “green” line of nuclear missiles. “Contrary to popular belief, nuclear missiles are actually pretty destructive,” said Defense Secretary Robert Gates. “Especially when it comes to greenhouse emissions.” According to the Defense Department’s website, the new nuclear missiles will no longer use […]

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Jack Unsure If Full Moon Hookup Meant Anything

October 24, 2010 2:55 pm
Jack Unsure If Full Moon Hookup Meant Anything

Jack finally hooked up with Jill at Full Moon on the Quad Monday, which concluded a week-long period of awkward hugs and sexual comments between the two. “It was only her fourth kiss of the night, so it may have meant something,” he stated. “She doesn’t need to know that […]

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Lunar Energy Advocates Feel Left In the Dark

October 10, 2010 2:45 pm
Lunar Energy Advocates Feel Left In the Dark

Holding signs with slogans such as “Carpe Noctem” (Seize the Night) and “The Moon: Also Pretty Fucking Cool”, advocates for Lunar Energy packed White Plaza on Friday to protest the recent approved tax breaks for solar energy. “You know, it just pisses me off,” noted Frank Schnappel, the leader of […]

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President Cardona Slow to Respond to Great Lag Milk Spill

May 16, 2010 1:25 pm
President Cardona Slow to Respond to Great Lag Milk Spill

Last Wednesday, the student body of Stanford was devastated when freshman Jack Porter spilled a full glass of skim milk on the floor of Lag Dining. Immediately following the spill, President Cardona was contacted and alerted of the disaster. But rather than responding immediately, Cardona waited a full half hour […]

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Earthquake Hits Applebees

May 2, 2010 11:48 am
Earthquake Hits Applebees

BAKERSFIELD, CA–In a major tragedy yesterday, an earthquake devastated a local Applebees. The Applebees had been home to several hundred consistent weekly visitors, but is now facing a minor inconvenience thanks to the quake. According to Applebees waiter and witness, Luke Crowler, “When the quake hit, the tables started to […]

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