Musicians Left Jobless After Supply of Music Exhausted

May 21, 2018 12:00 pm
Musicians Left Jobless After Supply of Music Exhausted

In a shocking yet inevitable turn of events, Earth finally ran out of music earlier this week. With the limited supply of tempos, rhythms and beats now entirely depleted, musicians everywhere suddenly find themselves out of work. As recently as Monday afternoon, composers and sonic artists from every continent were […]

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Op Ed: I’m on an All-Caterpillar Diet and You Should Join Me!

April 16, 2018 12:00 pm
Op Ed: I’m on an All-Caterpillar Diet and You Should Join Me!

  Look, everybody has their favorite snack. For my roommate, it’s Hot CheetosTM, for my little brother, it’s FunyunsTM, but for me, it’s those dang dangling crittersTM that cover campus during this fateful quarter. Every time I bike past one, all I have to do is open up my yapper […]

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Pony on Horse Tranquilizer Really Into Jazz

March 6, 2018 9:40 am
Pony on Horse Tranquilizer Really Into Jazz
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Report: Bird With Gun More Dangerous Than Bird Without

February 19, 2018 1:48 pm
Report: Bird With Gun More Dangerous Than Bird Without
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Sexually Frustrated Moon Finally Gets to Masturbate After Several Nights of Constant Watch

February 5, 2018 12:00 pm
Sexually Frustrated Moon Finally Gets to Masturbate After Several Nights of Constant Watch

After several evenings of unceasing news cameras and children’s gazes of wonder, the Moon finally took some private time to extravagantly masturbate this past Friday night. Due to its beautiful peak fullness for several nights this past week, the Moon’s privacy had been outright violated by voyeuristic amateur astronomers and […]

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Romantic Duck Opens Wine Bottle With Corkscrew Penis

December 4, 2017 12:00 pm
Romantic Duck Opens Wine Bottle With Corkscrew Penis
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Newborn Fruitfly Has Midlife Crisis

November 6, 2017 12:00 pm
Newborn Fruitfly Has Midlife Crisis
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Area Chicken Lays One-Hell-Of-A Motherfuckin’ Egg

October 5, 2017 5:00 pm
Area Chicken Lays One-Hell-Of-A Motherfuckin’ Egg

Gilroy, CA —  Farmer Fred Porter, owner of Porter farms, awoke Sunday morning to find that his prized chicken, Chad, had laid what appeared to be a dope as fuck egg. The find came as a major relief to Mr. Porter and his family, who have struggled in recent months with […]

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This Woman FELL Off a CLIFF and Now She’s DEAD

May 22, 2017 12:00 pm
Accident-prone female executive falling over against a white background
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Trend Alert! These Hip Young Millennials Are Wearing Surgical Masks So They Don’t Inhale the Toxic Fumes of a Dying Planet

May 1, 2017 12:01 pm
Trend Alert! These Hip Young Millennials Are Wearing Surgical Masks So They Don’t Inhale the Toxic Fumes of a Dying Planet

Looks like the fashionistas are gonna have a field day with this one, folks. Millennials worldwide have started wearing surgical masks so they don’t breathe in the poisoned air of a slowly-dying planet, and damn do they pull it off! Sure, fashion is subjective, but come on — just take […]

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