Nicolas Cage Not Accused of Sexual Harassment

November 13, 2017 12:00 pm
Nicolas Cage Not Accused of Sexual Harassment

In a shocking turn of events this week, Hollywood power player Nicolas Cage was not accused of sexual harassment. In the wake of horrifying reports concerning the sexual misconduct of Kevin Spacey, Harvey Weinstein, Louis C.K., and many others, the general public and Hollywood insiders alike felt certain that the […]

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Pro Bono Lawyer Wishes U2 Bandleader Would Stop Punching Cops

October 30, 2017 12:00 pm
Pro Bono Lawyer Wishes U2 Bandleader Would Stop Punching Cops
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The Kardashians Are Pregnant, And Taylor Swift Is The Father

October 9, 2017 12:00 pm
The Kardashians Are Pregnant, And Taylor Swift Is The Father

Three of the most important Kardashian sisters, Kim, Khloé, and Kendall, announced their respective pregnancies last week. Though fans have rejoiced, one question remains: Who is the father? Shocking new reports reveal that the father of these children may be none other than the relatable-and-hatable, fresh-faced country pop singer-songwriter, Taylor […]

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Movie Review by a Sexist: Wonder Woman [4/5]

June 5, 2017 12:00 pm
Movie Review by a Sexist: Wonder Woman [4/5]

Although I walked into the theater to see DC’s Wonder Woman this week with my usual insatiable hatred for all things feminine, I have to admit it’s not a bad flick. The empowered female lead disgusted me when I saw the trailer, but the Lasso of Truth and Invisible Plane […]

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Coming to Disney Channel: Dog With An Alt-Right Blog

June 2, 2017 11:01 am
Coming to Disney Channel: Dog With An Alt-Right Blog

Get ready, kids!  This summer, Disney Channel is pleased to bring you this year’s coolest new show, Dog With An Alt-Right Blog.  A spinoff of Dog With A Blog, this hit sitcom follows the cooky shenanigans of Lucky, the hilarious, talking golden retriever who’s determined to take down the liberal […]

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Review: La La Land Is So Cheesy I Could Eat It On a Fondue

May 22, 2017 12:00 pm
Review: La La Land Is So Cheesy I Could Eat It On a Fondue

Charles Clifford, Cinema Critic Parmesan, cheddar, and now La La Land; if it looks like a cheese, and smells like a cheese, it’s probably a cheese. Oh what a cheesy cheese director Damien Chazelle hath fermented for moviegoers. And that’s just the start of my pan, read on below as […]

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Help! I Cloned Jesus from a Mosquito Trapped in Amber and Now He’s Ruining My Theme Park

12:00 pm
Help! I Cloned Jesus from a Mosquito Trapped in Amber and Now He’s Ruining My Theme Park

When I opened this theme park all those years ago, all I had was a little cash and a big dream: to create a place where visitors could come and, even if only for a few hours, experience the presence of our one and only messiah. But now look at […]

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Author Uses Obscure Definition Of “Ejaculate” Like That’s Totally Normal

April 15, 2017 9:00 am
Author Uses Obscure Definition Of “Ejaculate” Like That’s Totally Normal

Students in PWR 2: Rhetoric of Feeling have reported that in their most recent reading for the class, the author in their infinite wisdom chose to replace all instances of “said” with the word “ejaculate” as if that was a totally ordinary usage for the term. While one of the […]

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Buzzfeed Journalist Waits In Back Alley For Source On Which Ed Sheeran Song Is His True Anthem

April 10, 2017 12:00 pm
Buzzfeed Journalist Waits In Back Alley For Source On Which Ed Sheeran Song Is His True Anthem
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Joseph Gorgon Levitt Turns Hearts to Mush, Rest of Bodies to Stone

March 13, 2017 12:00 pm
Joseph Gorgon Levitt Turns Hearts to Mush, Rest of Bodies to Stone
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