Full Text of Obama’s State of the Union Address

February 1, 2010 3:43 pm
Full Text of Obama’s State of the Union Address

Following is the transcript of President Obama’s State of the Union address, delivered January 27, 2010, as released by the White House. Madam Speaker, Vice President Biden, members of Congress, the Coca-Cola Corporation, and fellow Americans. From time to time, the President shall inform Congress of the state of the […]

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Apple iPad Makes Life Easier for Women

January 30, 2010 11:05 pm
Apple iPad Makes Life Easier for Women

SAN FRANCISCO—This week, Mac icon Steve Jobs introduced the Apple iPad. Sized between an iPod and an iBook, the iPad is expected to take the world by storm. Though the iPad is designed to appeal to all consumers, it has a deeper significance for women. Melissa Bennett, spokesperson for the […]

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Apple Introduces Revolutionary New iWindows

January 29, 2010 1:38 am
Apple Introduces Revolutionary New iWindows

Judging from the all-around mood of jubilance and the excited chatter of fanboys and industry execs, Apple had done it again. Like previous groundbreakers, iWindows lived up to the hype. Rumors spread like wildfire, ranging from Windows being bundled with Safari instead of Internet Explorer, to the inclusion of Garage […]

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University Liquidates One Billion Dollars In Assets, Floods Quad

January 25, 2010 11:14 pm
University Liquidates One Billion Dollars In Assets, Floods Quad

STANFORD—Yesterday, the Stanford Management Company (SMC) announced the liquidation of $1 billion in assets to recoup losses from the global financial crisis. The assets in question, which included deceased Stanford presidents, securitized Mongolian yurt mortgages, and the Dish’s old SETI device, flooded the Main Quad over the last several business […]

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Supreme Court Overturns Ban on Corporate “Donations”

January 24, 2010 9:48 pm
Supreme Court Overturns Ban on Corporate “Donations”

In a bitterly divided ruling, the Supreme Court voted today to overturn a long-standing precedent that banned corporations from giving sexual favors to lawmakers. “The first amendment guarantees corporations the right to express themselves however they see fit, it guarantees free love,” said Chief Justice John Roberts, reading from the […]

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“Capitalism: A Love Story” a Blockbuster Success, Michael Moore Decides Capitalism Okay After All

October 26, 2009 12:32 am
“Capitalism: A Love Story” a Blockbuster Success, Michael Moore Decides Capitalism Okay After All

After three weeks in the box office, Michael Moore’s new film, “Capitalism: A Love Story” has netted nearly 26 million dollars in ticket sales. The film, Moore’s first in several years, criticizes greed and disproportionate wealth in American society. But for Michael Moore, experiencing the multimillion-dollar profits from his film […]

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U.S. Lays Off Congress To Cut Costs

October 12, 2009 12:38 am
U.S. Lays Off Congress To Cut Costs

WASHINGTON, D.C.—U.S.A., Inc. President and CEO Barack Obama announced yesterday that, due to budget constraints, all 535 members of Congress and their staff would be laid off by the end of the session. This management shakeup comes just after U.S.A.’s acquisition of the auto and banking industries, and amidst the […]

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Axe and Palm Goes National

June 1, 2009 7:57 pm
Axe and Palm Goes National

Steve Montell, Executive Director of Stanford Dining, announced on Monday that The Axe and Palm (TAP) would be embarking on a new business venture, and will be opening several franchise restaurants around the country. Montell said that the idea to sell the TAP franchise came from the overwhelming support of […]

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Opinion: “Why Were We Even Paying These Little Orange and Red People in the First Place?”

May 24, 2009 11:15 pm
Opinion: “Why Were We Even Paying These Little Orange and Red People in the First Place?”

By Kenneth Potts Now I’m a guy who likes to take the issues seriously. Right now, budget cuts are a major issue. It’s affecting everyone–and that includes yours truly. But if there’s one thing I believe in, it’s fiscal responsibility. My question is: Why were our investigative journalists standing by […]

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Head Shop Implements Drug Testing to Weed Out Sober Employees

11:09 pm
Head Shop Implements Drug Testing to Weed Out Sober Employees
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