Waterboarding to Be Included in 2010 X-Games

May 5, 2009 12:27 am
Waterboarding to Be Included in 2010 X-Games

The ubiquitous press coverage of the Bush administration’s use of waterboarding has won Bush and Co. a handful of new supporters. Surfers, skaters, and other extreme athletes have praised waterboarding as a revolutionary innovation for those constantly seeking new thrills and challenges. “I had no idea Bush was into boarding,” […]

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Specter Finally Comes Out of the Closet

12:25 am
Specter Finally Comes Out of the Closet

WASHINGTON, DC—After serving the state of Pennsylvania for thirty years, United States Senator Arlen Specter surprised everyone when, last Monday, he announced that he would step out of the closet and join the Democratic Party. In a statement to the press, Senator Specter explained his decision: “I’ve been on Capitol […]

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How is Swine Flu Affecting Your Life?

12:07 am
How is Swine Flu Affecting Your Life?
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Stanford Implements Affirmative Action For Babes

April 28, 2009 4:39 pm
Stanford Implements Affirmative Action For Babes

Stanford University is hoping to make impressive headway on the diversity front with a new plan to reach out to its most neglected minority: babes. The initiative centers around an affirmative action program that will ease admission requirements for babes and entice them with generous financial aid packages. “This is […]

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Somali Pirates? More Like Robin Hood of the Seas

4:35 pm
Somali Pirates? More Like Robin Hood of the Seas

In an effort to clear up their less than stellar reputation, the Somali pirates issued a statement today making clear their intention to donate all goods and money gained from their pirating efforts towards very worthy cause: the Susan G. Breast Cancer Foundation. “We like to think of ourselves as […]

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Human Remains Discovered In South Stacks

April 20, 2009 11:56 pm
Human Remains Discovered In South Stacks

Michelle Stanton thought it would be a normal trip to the library. She had a slip full of call numbers and was making her way through the dark, labyrinthine shelves of books that make up the “South Stacks.” That’s when she saw what investigators now believe are the remains of […]

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Stanford Cuts Mechanical Engineering: “It’s Just Not Working”

11:53 pm
Stanford Cuts Mechanical Engineering: “It’s Just Not Working”

STANFORD, CA–Due to the recent budget cuts, Stanford has been attempting to eliminate superfluous departments around campus. In a long expected move, the university announced Monday that the Mechanical Engineering department will be cut because ME no longer has any practical applications. “It made sense,” said ME professor Paul Mitiguy, […]

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Stanford May or May Not Hold Waitlist Weekend Sometime in the Middle of June

11:50 pm
Stanford May or May Not Hold Waitlist Weekend Sometime in the Middle of June

In an effort to foster unity among the admitted and waitlisted students, Stanford may or may not be planning a Waitlist Weekend sometime in the middle of summer. If this weekend occurs, it might consist of a jam-packed schedule of activities and a great chance to meet your best friends […]

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ASSU Senator Pledges To Reduce Sexual Assault on Campus–Will Stop Sexually Assaulting Women

11:45 pm
ASSU Senator Pledges To Reduce Sexual Assault on Campus–Will Stop Sexually Assaulting Women

Throughout his campaign, ASSU Senator Greg Bernardi pledged that he would devote his complete efforts towards tackling sexual assault on campus. As a first step towards achieving this goal, Bernardi announced that he will personally stop sexually assaulting women. “Bernardi was responsible for 35% of sexual assault cases on campus,” […]

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THE INSIDE SCOOP: The Art of Girl-Flirting

April 13, 2009 9:10 am
THE INSIDE SCOOP: The Art of Girl-Flirting

By Reva Laughlin Rush. What a wonderful way to find your sisters at Stanford! Standing in line alphabetically, waiting to enter the room filled with clapping and cheering sorority girls, I have truly connected with all the girls whose last name begins with “L.” I have even become quite close […]

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