Congress Passes New Year’s Resolution

January 1, 2010 1:46 am
Congress Passes New Year’s Resolution

WASHINGTON, DC—Last night, after a year of almost no productivity, Congress passed House Resolution No. 671. This resolution, titled “Goals for 2010,” contained a list of objectives for Congress to complete over the next year. First on the list is a goal of losing weight. Senator John McCain (R-AZ) explained, […]

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Stanford Drops Tiger Woods

December 31, 2009 11:50 pm
Stanford Drops Tiger Woods

STANFORD,CA – Stanford has announced that effective immediately, it will drop Tiger Woods from all of its advertisements.  In light of the car crash and the allegations it has brought about, Stanford has joined the ranks of Gillette, Accenture, and Gatorade in dropping Woods.  He will no longer be featured […]

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Opinion: Tiger Woods Gives Us a Bad Name



11:43 pm
Opinion: Tiger Woods Gives Us a Bad Name





By Tony the Tiger 
 Over the past several decades I, along with my tiger brethren, have worked hard to give tigers a good name. For years we were frowned upon, viewed as carnivorous beasts, monsters who will stop at nothing for a morsel of food. Just look at how […]

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STUDY: 85% of Americans Teens Fail To Locate Their Room on a Map of Their House

11:31 pm
STUDY: 85% of Americans Teens Fail To Locate Their Room on a Map of Their House

In a recent study conducted by the Pew Research Center for the People and the Press, it was discovered that 85% of American high school teens were unable to identify their room on a map of their house. After the publication of this study, many around the country have become […]

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Student Breaks Honor Code, Discovers Secret Message

November 30, 2009 4:52 pm
Student Breaks Honor Code, Discovers Secret Message

STANFORD, CA—Last week, Jay de la Torre, Vice President of the ASSU, left office after breaking the Honor Code in CS 106A. But while The Stanford Daily and the rest of the mainstream liberal media on campus have depicted de la Torre as a cheater, they are missing the real […]

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Budget Cuts Force Stanford to Cancel Winter Quarter

4:51 pm
Budget Cuts Force Stanford to Cancel Winter Quarter

 STANFORD, CA—As the American economy continues on its downward spiral, Stanford University officials have finally been forced to do the unthinkable: cancel winter quarter 2010. “This is a real blow to the school. An institution as renowned as Stanford should not have these kind of problems, but I suppose this […]

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Graffiti Taggers Mourn of Loss of Berlin Wall

November 16, 2009 8:45 pm
Graffiti Taggers Mourn of Loss of Berlin Wall

Last Tuesday, November 10th, a group of students gathered in White Plaza to mourn the 20th anniversary of what is widely considered one of the greatest modern losses of the graffiti-tagging community: the tearing-down of the Berlin Wall. The Berlin Wall, erected in 1961, began as an 11-foot tall blank […]

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Opinion: Northern California is Hella Tight

8:43 pm
Opinion: Northern California is Hella Tight

Dude, Northern California is hella sick.  I don’t even know how people survive in places like Kansas or Canada or anywhere else.  We’ve got a gnarly beachfront to surf in the summer and insane mountains to carve in the winter.  And the weather is always hella sunny, so people are […]

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Typo In Text Message Totally Understood By Both People

8:42 pm
Typo In Text Message Totally Understood By Both People

Sophomore Jeff Greneman was sending a text message on his iPhone today when he realized he made a typo. The iPhone autocorrect replaced “You going to the football game?” with “I totally hate you and can’t understand why you would do something like that” Unfortunately, he had already hit send […]

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After 30 Years, DNA Testing Frees Colonel Mustard

November 8, 2009 1:43 pm
After 30 Years, DNA Testing Frees Colonel Mustard

BILLIARD ROOM–Colonel Mustard will walk free today after being wrongly imprisoned for thirty years, thanks to new DNA evidence. In 1979, Colonel Mustard was convicted of attacking Mrs. Peacock in the conservatory with a candlestick and sentenced to life in prison by a jury of 3-6 of his peers aged […]

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