American Celebrates Independence, Moves Into Parents’ Basement

July 5, 2010 2:25 pm
American Celebrates Independence, Moves Into Parents’ Basement

SUBURBIA—For over 200 years, Americans have celebrated the Fourth of July with barbecues, fireworks, and picnics with friends and family, but this year, Tyrell Jenkins, a 23-year-old from Redwood City, discovered a new way to celebrate his independence. This year, Jenkins celebrated the Fourth of July by moving from the […]

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Band Celebrates Arrival of New Dollies

May 30, 2010 3:55 pm
Band Celebrates Arrival of New Dollies

The band on Thursday celebrated the arrival of a new set of dollies. The new dollies are expected to move more smoothly than the old and will accompany the band to all of its major performances. Band members generally look for two traits during dollie selection: a sturdy base and […]

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Synergy Residents Participate in Outhouse Draw

3:52 pm
Synergy Residents Participate in Outhouse Draw

Last week, Synergy residents participated in their annual outhouse draw, where they fought over who will get to occupy the most desirable outhouses and lavatories during the next academic year. Competition this year was fierce, with over eight residents vying for outhouse four. Synergy resident Greg Nart explained why he […]

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The Police Blogger: Computer Security and Recording Devices

3:50 pm
The Police Blogger: Computer Security and Recording Devices

By Joe Phillips, Policeman I’m Joe, but you can call me the “Police Blogger.” No, that’s not what my friends call me, it’s just what I call myself. This is my first blog post, so excuse the typos and ramblings. Normally, in the paper you see the police blotter, where […]

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Security Forces Capture Part of Osama bin Laden

May 27, 2010 2:30 am
Security Forces Capture Part of Osama bin Laden

QANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN–Today the Pentagon reported that marines operational in the mountainous northeast regions of Afghanistan were able to bring a major piece of the 9/11 mastermind to justice.  A toenail identified as formerly belonging to bin Laden now awaits custody in a Ft. Bragg detention facility.  “I was doing my […]

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Controversy: Queen of England Touches Herself

May 23, 2010 2:37 pm
Controversy: Queen of England Touches Herself

BUCKINGHAM PALACE—Last year, First Lady Michelle Obama opened a can of worms when she placed her hand on the back of Queen Elizabeth as they chatted at a reception. She was immediately criticized by the British and American media, which stated simply, “There’s just one rule you have to follow […]

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The Midnight Fryer: The Blowjob Scenario Part VIII

2:25 pm
The Midnight Fryer: The Blowjob Scenario Part VIII

By Yanran Hu After several weeks of writing a column, I have been called “self-righteous masculinist,” “playa,” “pimp,” “thoughtless man-whore” and “shallow,” to which I proudly plead guilty. You’ve got me pinned; I’m your stereotypical guy who thinks of nothing more than sex (specifically every six seconds, that is), and […]

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Tendency to Rationalize Is No Big Deal, Student Tells Self

2:20 pm
Tendency to Rationalize Is No Big Deal, Student Tells Self

Last Monday, Psych 1 got personal for freshman Carrie Messner. With each passing moment of Professor Gregory Walton’s lecture about rationalization as a defense mechanism, Messner grew more and more uneasy. “Professor Walton was describing exactly what I do all the time,” recalled Messner. “Like how I convince myself that […]

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President Cardona Slow to Respond to Great Lag Milk Spill

May 16, 2010 1:25 pm
President Cardona Slow to Respond to Great Lag Milk Spill

Last Wednesday, the student body of Stanford was devastated when freshman Jack Porter spilled a full glass of skim milk on the floor of Lag Dining. Immediately following the spill, President Cardona was contacted and alerted of the disaster. But rather than responding immediately, Cardona waited a full half hour […]

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Phenomenal Court Mopping Propels Stanford to First NCAA Volleyball Championship Since 1978

1:25 pm
Phenomenal Court Mopping Propels Stanford to First NCAA Volleyball Championship Since 1978

Reminiscent of bat-boy legend Jake Newman’s phenomenal 1987 performance that propelled Stanford to a college baseball title, 12-year-old court mopper Devon Johnson led the Stanford Cardinal to its first men’s volleyball championship since 1978. Analysts agree that Johnson’s lightning quick reflexes to dash onto the court after each point and […]

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