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Alternative Spring Break: Novosibirsk

January 21, 2014 12:00 pmComments Off on Alternative Spring Break: Novosibirsk
Alternative Spring Break: Novosibirsk

By Arkidiy Zilomanov, Tourism Minister of Novosibirsk Oblast Hello Friend, are you scrutinizing possible options for a most fortuitous spring holiday? Rummage no further, as we have perfect option for you. From world-class attraction, Novosibirsk Zoo, to many factories included Siberian Food Corporation and Electro-Vacuum Plant, Novosibirsk, capital of the […]

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Ask a College Freshman Visiting Home for the Holidays

January 6, 2014 12:00 pmComments Off on Ask a College Freshman Visiting Home for the Holidays
Ask a College Freshman Visiting Home for the Holidays

Dear College Freshman Visiting Home for the Holidays, With the holidays quickly approaching, I’m worried that I won’t be able to get all of my shopping done in time! What do you recommend I do to make sure I’m on top of all my errands during this time of year? […]

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In Response to “Buck Ferkeley,” Cal Launches “Seat Btanford” Merchandise

November 22, 2013 2:07 pmComments Off on In Response to “Buck Ferkeley,” Cal Launches “Seat Btanford” Merchandise
In Response to “Buck Ferkeley,” Cal Launches “Seat Btanford” Merchandise

After witnessing the sales success of Stanford’s “Buck Ferkeley” merchandise, many of the top thinkers at the University of California Berkeley have developed the response slogan “Seat Btanford.” The new catchphrase was met with overwhelming approval from the majority of the student body and faculty. After the other slogan options, […]

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Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to Join Vin Diesel, Paul Walker for Next Installment of The Fast and 5Sure-ious Franchise

November 15, 2013 9:00 amComments Off on Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to Join Vin Diesel, Paul Walker for Next Installment of The Fast and 5Sure-ious Franchise
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to Join Vin Diesel, Paul Walker for Next Installment of The Fast and 5Sure-ious Franchise

Hollywood director Justin Lin recently confirmed rumors that Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, famous for his work in the films Race to Witch Mountain and Tooth Fairy, will be joining the cast for the fourth installment of the Fast and 5Sure-ious franchise, a saga that follows the high-octane work of Stanford University’s 5Sure golf cart drivers. […]

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Bouncing Pixar Lamp “A Shell of Former Self”

November 13, 2013 9:00 amComments Off on Bouncing Pixar Lamp “A Shell of Former Self”
Bouncing Pixar Lamp “A Shell of Former Self”

The lengthy litigation process regarding the now-infamous slaying of the letter i by Pixar’s famous desk lamp has finally come to a close. The judge at the Superior Court of Los Angeles ruled that the desk lamp is guilty of 15 charges, including first-degree murder, and will serve a life […]

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Toronto’s Mayor Denies Addiction to Cracked.com

November 11, 2013 12:00 pmComments Off on Toronto’s Mayor Denies Addiction to Cracked.com
Toronto’s Mayor Denies Addiction to Cracked.com

Toronto, Canada – Toronto’s notorious mayor, Rob “Wildcard” Ford, confronts the latest in a string of scandals this week. And while he was able to brush off his past use of cocaine with the excuse that he was “probably piss drunk,” he will likely have a harder time putting to […]

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Freshman Declares Bankruptcy After Only Drinking Jamba Juice for Seven Weeks

November 8, 2013 9:00 amComments Off on Freshman Declares Bankruptcy After Only Drinking Jamba Juice for Seven Weeks
Freshman Declares Bankruptcy After Only Drinking Jamba Juice for Seven Weeks

Joshua Melman recently applied for a government-backed loan after paying 10 dollars per drink for every meal for this quarter. “It was a different time” said Melman, referring to the exorbitant excesses of late September 2013. “I felt like I was untouchable–like I could do and drink whatever I wanted. […]

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ASSU Member to Vote on BJ Bill, Intends to Bypass Roommate Contract

October 23, 2013 9:00 amComments Off on ASSU Member to Vote on BJ Bill, Intends to Bypass Roommate Contract
ASSU Member to Vote on BJ Bill, Intends to Bypass Roommate Contract

STANFORD, CA–Last week, the ASSU voted on a bill that overruled changes to the bylaws of the BJA (Board of Justice Affairs) bill that were implemented without Senate input. In the same spirit, a member of the 15th Undergraduate Senate, who wishes to remain anonymous, recently introduced a bill onto […]

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REPORT: 85% of Nation’s Uncles Regularly Bitch About Government Shutdown for No Reason

October 21, 2013 12:02 pmComments Off on REPORT: 85% of Nation’s Uncles Regularly Bitch About Government Shutdown for No Reason
REPORT: 85% of Nation’s Uncles Regularly Bitch About Government Shutdown for No Reason

Tulsa, Oklahoma–What was meant to be a nice, family dinner at the Kowalski household last Wednesday quickly erupted into a near fist-fight after Uncle Doug randomly remembered that the United States was currently in a state of governmental shutdown. As Doug’s niece, Claire, recounts, “I don’t know what happened…one second […]

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