Articles by: Matt LaVan

Student Performs Civic Duty by Voting in ASSU Elections

April 15, 2014 9:00 amComments Off on Student Performs Civic Duty by Voting in ASSU Elections
Student Performs Civic Duty by Voting in ASSU Elections

  It can be all too easy at times to succumb to apathy in the face of great challenges. But one student, Junior Sarah Everton, looked at the broken, disorganized senate, and exercised her power as a student and as a citizen to enact change. Rather than write off the […]

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Bold, Innovative Campaign Poster Preventing Bladder-Shy Student from Peeing

April 9, 2014 9:17 pmComments Off on Bold, Innovative Campaign Poster Preventing Bladder-Shy Student from Peeing
Bold, Innovative Campaign Poster Preventing Bladder-Shy Student from Peeing

Freshman and ASSU Senate Candidate Murphy Huggins knew that to stand out from his many qualified competitors he would need a fresh, new campaign. Partnered with roommate Carter Stinton, who studies visual design and knows how to use Photoshop, Huggins crafted a powerful series of poster-based advertisements that he strategically […]

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Local Man Mistakes Chinese Man for Daur of Inner Mongolia

April 7, 2014 12:00 pmComments Off on Local Man Mistakes Chinese Man for Daur of Inner Mongolia
Local Man Mistakes Chinese Man for Daur of Inner Mongolia

In a terrible faux pas, Palo Alto resident Rob Malon mistook an ethnically Chinese man for a member of the Daur ethnic group found predominantly in Inner Mongolia. The victim of Malon’s ignorance, Stanford Junior Victor Chu, considers the misstep an “egregious offense,” saying, “Honestly, it’s 2014, people can’t get […]

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Local Man Speaks Loudly, Slowly to Foreign Tourist

April 3, 2014 9:00 amComments Off on Local Man Speaks Loudly, Slowly to Foreign Tourist
Local Man Speaks Loudly, Slowly to Foreign Tourist

Palo Alto – Just days ago, local resident Robby Malon encountered a foreign tourist and, in an attempt to overcome the language barrier between himself and the other man, slowed his speech while simultaneously raising the volume. The individual, who appeared to be lost and seeking directions, smiled but looked […]

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Rebecca Black Remains Coy on Topic of Next Song

March 31, 2014 12:00 pmComments Off on Rebecca Black Remains Coy on Topic of Next Song
Rebecca Black Remains Coy on Topic of Next Song

Rebecca Black, the LA youth who was rocketed to national stardom when her music video “Friday” went viral, has embraced her celebrity status and released a followup to Friday – entitled “Saturday” – at the end of last year. While some themes in her new video and song hearkened back […]

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Cardinal Confessions Surges in Popularity in Vatican

March 10, 2014 12:01 pmComments Off on Cardinal Confessions Surges in Popularity in Vatican
Cardinal Confessions Surges in Popularity in Vatican

As reforms rock the foundations of the Catholic Church, a new online forum is rapidly gaining popularity among the clergy. Cardinal Confessions is an anonymously administrated Facebook page where the men and women of God’s house can give a shout out to anyone leading their thoughts to sin, or post […]

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Parents Embarrassed by Lame Student

February 24, 2014 12:01 pmComments Off on Parents Embarrassed by Lame Student
Parents Embarrassed by Lame Student

Stanford, CA – Reports indicate that Greg and Melanie Smyth were disappointed this weekend when, upon arriving on Stanford campus, their son Stewart turned out to be completely lame. Expecting him to have blossomed or at least started going by “Stew,” the Smyth’s excitedly hustled into his room to “get […]

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Procter & Gamble to Release Head Shoulders Knees and Toes for Especially Hairy Men

12:00 pmComments Off on Procter & Gamble to Release Head Shoulders Knees and Toes for Especially Hairy Men
Procter & Gamble to Release Head Shoulders Knees and Toes for Especially Hairy Men
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Cherished Ambassador to Czechoslovakia Dies at Age 85

February 18, 2014 12:01 pmComments Off on Cherished Ambassador to Czechoslovakia Dies at Age 85
Cherished Ambassador to Czechoslovakia Dies at Age 85

Despite their historic disputes, the Czech Republic and Slovakia have come together this past week in mourning over the loss of the former ambassador to the now nonexistent state of Czechoslovakia. Mrs. Shirley Temple Black, who passed last Monday, February 10th, was the 27th ambassador of the United States to […]

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Op-Ed: Listen Jen, McDonalds is Fucking Good Enough for Valentine’s Day

12:00 pmComments Off on Op-Ed: Listen Jen, McDonalds is Fucking Good Enough for Valentine’s Day
Op-Ed: Listen Jen, McDonalds is Fucking Good Enough for Valentine’s Day

Alright Jen, you can open your eyes now- we’re here! What do you think? Jen, don’t give me that look, we’re both busy individuals and it’s impossible to get reservations on Valentine’s Day- Jen! Come on, what matters? Paying too much for some snooty restaurant or the fact that I […]

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