Articles by: Matt LaVan

Earth Continues to Perilously Circle Blazing Star

February 13, 2012 5:59 amComments Off on Earth Continues to Perilously Circle Blazing Star
Earth Continues to Perilously Circle Blazing Star

It’s a classic sci-fi disaster scenario – the intrepid explorers find themselves trapped in the inexorable gravitational pull of a star, facing annihilation in its blazing core. But this is no late-night double feature B-movie. Scientists have expressed concern that the Earth itself is caught in the gravity field of […]

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Decision to Euthanize IHUM Sparks Controversy

February 6, 2012 6:00 amComments Off on Decision to Euthanize IHUM Sparks Controversy
Decision to Euthanize IHUM Sparks Controversy

IHUM used to be a thriving forum where students sparred and matched wits, a place where students could break bread with such intellectual giants as Nietzsche and Marx. But starting a few years ago, everything changed. IHUM theses became vague and supporting evidence faded away. Attendance fell and Facebook usage […]

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Normal Twins Joined Together at Mass U General Hospital

November 17, 2011 6:00 amComments Off on Normal Twins Joined Together at Mass U General Hospital
Normal Twins Joined Together at Mass U General Hospital

For the past nine months, expectant parents Janet and Bob Marshall prayed every day for conjoined twins. The young couple was crushed when Janet delivered two normal separate twins last week. “Of course I love my children no matter what,” said Janet, “but what mother doesn’t want what’s best for […]

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Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan-ites Rejoice as Dictator Replaced by New Dictator

November 10, 2011 6:00 amComments Off on Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan-ites Rejoice as Dictator Replaced by New Dictator
Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan-ites Rejoice as Dictator Replaced by New Dictator

Hope springs anew in the war- and poverty-plagued middle east as Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan holds democratic elections following the toppling of its long-standing dictatorship. Already, the new terrorist-sponsored regime is in place and implementing such progressive policies as gender-neutral stoning for adulterers, and a proposed economic overhaul that redistributes guns to the […]

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Muslim Student Union Holds “Mosque-oleum” Party

November 4, 2011 6:00 amComments Off on Muslim Student Union Holds “Mosque-oleum” Party
Muslim Student Union Holds “Mosque-oleum” Party

Following the success of the Muslim Student Union’s Alternative FMOTQ, the MSU held its first ever Mosque-oleum party to give Mausoleum-wary students another option. Though the MSU wasn’t sure at first whether there would be enough demand to justify the event, an astounding 40% of students polled said they “could […]

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Jews Haggle Over Value of Human Life

October 28, 2011 3:09 pmComments Off on Jews Haggle Over Value of Human Life
Jews Haggle Over Value of Human Life

The recent landmark prisoner exchange between Israeli and Palestinian governments marks the beginning of new negotiation opportunities on both sides of the Jordan. But Jews of the world are torn over the achievement. “Of course we’re glad to see one of our soldiers returned safely home,” said one Israeli representative. […]

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