Articles by: Magellan J. Pfluke

Lamppost Suspected to be Illuminati Operative

February 27, 2013 9:00 amComments Off on Lamppost Suspected to be Illuminati Operative
Lamppost Suspected to be Illuminati Operative

Walter Atlay hasn’t left his musty Crothers dorm room for weeks.  His desk overflows with urine-filled jars and Sprite-filled bottles, though the two have long since become indistinguishable.  On his roommate’s wall is a tasteful Iron Maiden poster, but Walter has blanketed his side of the room with the scrawlings […]

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Public Service Announcement: Notorious PSET Strangler Still at Large

January 18, 2013 9:00 amComments Off on Public Service Announcement: Notorious PSET Strangler Still at Large
Public Service Announcement: Notorious PSET Strangler Still at Large

The Stanford Police Department would like to notify all students to be on the lookout for the highly dangerous and unpredictable criminal madman known only as “The PSET Strangler.”  Reports vary as to the outlaw’s physical appearance, with eyewitnesses placing the Strangler anywhere between 4 and 8 feet tall. “He […]

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Music Review: The Ousted Republicans EP

November 12, 2012 12:00 pmComments Off on Music Review: The Ousted Republicans EP
Music Review: The Ousted Republicans EP

If you haven’t heard of The No Gay Sex Pistols, the hot punk sensation newly-signed to Bain Capital Records, you’re missing out on the album of the holiday season. Assembled in Washington D.C. by former senator Scott Brown, Tea-Party-backed Richard Mourdock, and former Missouri Senator Todd Akin, the musical super […]

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George Lucas to Put Buyout Money into Last-Minute Presidential Run

November 6, 2012 11:00 amComments Off on George Lucas to Put Buyout Money into Last-Minute Presidential Run
George Lucas to Put Buyout Money into Last-Minute Presidential Run

The world was shocked last week when it was announced that Disney purchased George Lucas’s eternal soul for $4.05 billion, picking up Lucasfilm as an added bonus.  Even more shocking though, is how Lucas plans to spend that Jabba-sized mound of cash. “I’d like to announce my candidacy,” Lucas said, […]

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Vaden Cites Ability to See Own Breath as Sign of Demonic Possession

October 29, 2012 12:00 pmComments Off on Vaden Cites Ability to See Own Breath as Sign of Demonic Possession
Vaden Cites Ability to See Own Breath as Sign of Demonic Possession

Campus has undergone strange changes this past week: sunglasses have given way to windbreakers; tanktops to hoodies; shorts and flip-flops to jeans and flip-flops. But Stanford Junior Simon Danvy experienced something totally unexpected- a chilling horror story all his own. “I was walking to class the other day at around […]

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Freshman Finally Ditches 19 Meal/Week Plan

12:00 pmComments Off on Freshman Finally Ditches 19 Meal/Week Plan
Freshman Finally Ditches 19 Meal/Week Plan
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Freshman Passes Midterm, Clears Shelf for Nobel Prize

October 23, 2012 12:00 pmComments Off on Freshman Passes Midterm, Clears Shelf for Nobel Prize
Freshman Passes Midterm, Clears Shelf for Nobel Prize

Last week was crunch time for many campus freshmen, as they were hit by the opening wave of midterm exam.  Gilbert Brennan, a Rinconada freshman, wasn’t fazed though, confident that he had his physics exam “in the bag.”  Confident, it turns out, was an understatement. “He’s already marked off a […]

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Student Considers Taking Afternoon Nap Credit/No Credit

October 16, 2012 8:59 amComments Off on Student Considers Taking Afternoon Nap Credit/No Credit
Student Considers Taking Afternoon Nap Credit/No Credit

With the Final Study List Deadline looming, overachieving and non-committal students alike were forced to finalize their schedules for Fall Quarter. No student was more concerned about this decision than sophomore Craig Denney, who after three weeks of classes still couldn’t make up his mind about his Introductory Seminar, LAZE […]

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