Articles by: Jeffery Squid

Student Not Playing League of Legends Continues to Waste Life

April 30, 2015 9:00 amComments Off on Student Not Playing League of Legends Continues to Waste Life
Student Not Playing League of Legends Continues to Waste Life

Wilbur Hall—To the concern of his friends and parents, sources confirmed Saturday that freshman Nico Dermond is wasting his college career not playing online multiplayer sensation League of Legends. “I’ve done my best to set him on the right track, but at some point Nico’s going to have to show […]

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Student Eats overly Soft Grape, Questions Existence of God

April 22, 2015 9:00 amComments Off on Student Eats overly Soft Grape, Questions Existence of God
Student Eats overly Soft Grape, Questions Existence of God

Arrillaga Dining—Describing the experience as both “disgusting and faith-shattering,” sophomore Ian Segel confirmed yesterday that his accidental consumption of a soft grape had led him to doubt the existence of God.  “Frankly, it was shocking,” a visibly rattled Segel told reporters. “There I was, having lunch, when suddenly this gross, […]

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“Maybe I Shouldn’t Do This,” Philosophizes Freshman About to Drink a Goldfish

April 6, 2015 12:01 pmComments Off on “Maybe I Shouldn’t Do This,” Philosophizes Freshman About to Drink a Goldfish
“Maybe I Shouldn’t Do This,” Philosophizes Freshman About to Drink a Goldfish

In a brief, surprising moment of clarity, freshman Justin Brandt reportedly considered not consuming the goldfish and vodka filled shot glass presented to him at Alpha Gamma Zeta’s pledge party. Sources indicate that despite coaxing from frat members and fellow pledges, Brandt was concerned that tossing a raw, still wriggling, […]

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Breaking News: That ‘70s Show Was Not a Documentary

March 9, 2015 12:01 pmComments Off on Breaking News: That ‘70s Show Was Not a Documentary
Breaking News: That ‘70s Show Was Not a Documentary

To the shock of television viewers and cultural historians alike, the makers of That ‘70s Show revealed yesterday that the hit Fox program was not, in fact, a documentary. “We certainly drew upon elements of ‘70s culture for the sake of realism—but no, by no means were we attempting to […]

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Breaking News: Only Four Dead in Most Rewarding Dance Marathon Yet

February 18, 2015 9:00 amComments Off on Breaking News: Only Four Dead in Most Rewarding Dance Marathon Yet
Breaking News: Only Four Dead in Most Rewarding Dance Marathon Yet

Reporting that this year was perhaps the fundraiser’s most successful to date, coordinators for the popular Stanford Dance Marathon announced yesterday that they were able to raise over $1,000 for Partners in Health Rwanda—all while keeping fatalities at a record low. “Dance Marathon is an incredible opportunity for people to […]

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