Articles by: Jeffery Squid

Freshmen Unsure What RAs Meant By Saying “Knives Allowed” For Upcoming Nerf War

October 24, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Freshmen Unsure What RAs Meant By Saying “Knives Allowed” For Upcoming Nerf War
Freshmen Unsure What RAs Meant By Saying “Knives Allowed” For Upcoming Nerf War
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Student Wondering If Ceiling Fan Rotating Fast Enough To Decapitate TA

October 19, 2016 9:00 amComments Off on Student Wondering If Ceiling Fan Rotating Fast Enough To Decapitate TA
Student Wondering If Ceiling Fan Rotating Fast Enough To Decapitate TA

Gazing idly at the rotating blades whirring above the whiteboard at the end of the room, junior Robert Schmidt reportedly wondered aloud yesterday whether the ceiling fan was moving fast enough to decapitate his TA. “Yeah, I bet that sucker could chop his head clean off,” Schmidt whispered to reporters as the TA answered […]

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Quote of the Week 10/17/16

October 17, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Quote of the Week 10/17/16
Quote of the Week 10/17/16

“For this, too, I will be stoked.” – Frat star, performing soliloquy

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New A Capella Group Just Absolute Dogshit

October 12, 2016 9:00 amComments Off on New A Capella Group Just Absolute Dogshit
Group of friends karaoke singing at the bar

Comparing their sound to that of “a great ape bellowing in pain,” junior Austin Matthews informed reporters yesterday that Stanford’s newest a capella group—the Winds that Blow—is just complete, irredeemable dogshit. “Oh God, they were terrible—like a group of screeching meerkats fighting for supremacy,” reported Matthews, adding that when he […]

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Idiot Freshman Thinks Tap Water Safe to Drink

October 10, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Idiot Freshman Thinks Tap Water Safe to Drink
Idiot Freshman Thinks Tap Water Safe to Drink
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Railing Gets Thrill Out Of Hot, Sweaty Hands All Over It

May 16, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Railing Gets Thrill Out Of Hot, Sweaty Hands All Over It
Railing Gets Thrill Out Of Hot, Sweaty Hands All Over It

Vibrating intensely with anticipation, a stairway railing in Huang Engineering Center reportedly waited eagerly for the young, sweaty feel of students’ hands all over it following Thursday’s Physics 43 lecture. “Oh, I just love this,” whispered the metal railing, shaking slightly as students’ footsteps rang loudly on the floor below. […]

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Scientist Drastically Miscalculates, Shits Self

May 9, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Scientist Drastically Miscalculates, Shits Self
Scientist Drastically Miscalculates, Shits Self
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Quote of the Week 5/2/16

May 4, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Quote of the Week 5/2/16
Quote of the Week 5/2/16

“A dog? Why, that’s just another mouth to feed!” – A father about to go on a heartwarming journey of acceptance.

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“WOOOOOO!” Cries Fraternity Brother in Fit of Existential Rage

April 18, 2016 12:01 pmComments Off on “WOOOOOO!” Cries Fraternity Brother in Fit of Existential Rage
“WOOOOOO!” Cries Fraternity Brother in Fit of Existential Rage

Lamenting his declining grades, superficial friendships, and unfulfilled sexual desires, Beta Phi fraternity brother Duncan Brown reportedly screamed “WOOOOOOO!” yesterday in an alcohol-fueled moment of existential madness. Evidently unhappy with his position in life and audibly regretful of past decisions, Brown went on to chug a can of beer, jump […]

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Incompetent Freshman Manages to Secure Only One Free Meal From Parents

February 29, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Incompetent Freshman Manages to Secure Only One Free Meal From Parents
Incompetent Freshman Manages to Secure Only One Free Meal From Parents
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