Articles by: Jamie Rodriguez

Completely Unrelated Glue Shop Opens Next to Stanford Barn

April 18, 2016 1:17 pmComments Off on Completely Unrelated Glue Shop Opens Next to Stanford Barn
Completely Unrelated Glue Shop Opens Next to Stanford Barn

Last week, the totally innocent and legal glue shop, Leland’s Not-Horse-Glue Emporium, opened for business next to the Stanford Barn. This location next to the barn, which houses Stanford’s horses, has become a cause for concern, however.  Animal rights activists across campus have asked administrators, “What if the horses step in […]

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Ted Cruz Just Hundreds of Extremely Conservative Rats Wearing Human Skin

April 5, 2016 9:00 amComments Off on Ted Cruz Just Hundreds of Extremely Conservative Rats Wearing Human Skin
U.S. Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) speaks to members of the Texas Federation of Republican Women in San Antonio, Texas October 19, 2013. REUTERS/Joe Mitchell (UNITED STATES - Tags: POLITICS HEADSHOT) - RTX14H7R

Upon the release of the National Enquirer story claiming Ted Cruz had affairs with five different women, the Democratic National Committee chose to investigate the claims’ veracity, stating, “the idea of five women having sex with Ted Cruz is preposterous.”  The DNC uncovered that each of these mistresses was, as […]

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Bernie Sanders Patents Own Workout Regimen of Rigorous Arm Waving

January 19, 2016 12:01 pmComments Off on Bernie Sanders Patents Own Workout Regimen of Rigorous Arm Waving
Democratic presidential candidate, Sen. Bernie Sanders, I-Vt,  speaks during a campaign rally in Springfield, Mass., Saturday, Oct. 3, 2105. (AP Photo/Michael Dwyer)

In the spirit of his grassroots campaign, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has patented and begun to sell his nationally recognized at-home workout program: ‘Flailing Your Arms and Yelling at Billionaires.’  Featuring a great, stimulating mix of cardio, strength exercises, and routing social and economic injustice, the physically and vocally […]

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Yo My Millenial Fam! It’s Me, Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton

January 13, 2016 9:00 amComments Off on Yo My Millenial Fam! It’s Me, Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton
Yo My Millenial Fam! It’s Me, Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton

Wazzup! It’s ya girl, Hillary Rodham Clinton. Now, I’m not like any of those other whack candidates — I’m hip, I’m kool, I’m chill. Not like that Donald Trump, or should I say Donald Chump!! He’s so “basic.” I bet he doesn’t even know what a Hotline Bling — or […]

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Local School Field Trip Actually Just Trip To An Empty Field

April 9, 2015 9:00 amComments Off on Local School Field Trip Actually Just Trip To An Empty Field
Local School Field Trip Actually Just Trip To An Empty Field

Last week, local fifth graders embarked on their annual field trip to an abandoned field. After a three-hour drive full of jovial songs and youthful merrymaking, students exited the bus on the side of Interstate-80, miles away from any sort of town.  All teachers and chaperones departed for Reno, leaving […]

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Depressed Self-Driving Car Self-Drives to Tragedy

January 22, 2015 9:00 amComments Off on Depressed Self-Driving Car Self-Drives to Tragedy
Depressed Self-Driving Car Self-Drives to Tragedy

The life of a robotic self-navigating Google vehicle can often test an auto’s emotional and psychological resolve. Contrary to the hopes of the company, not every autonomous car is programmed to be a sassy independent automobile who don’t need no driver.  Without any accompanying motorist to sing killer Katy Perry […]

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