Articles by: Jonathan Engel

Nation Nervously Looks On As Trump Appoints Horse To Senate, Takes Up Fiddle

January 20, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Nation Nervously Looks On As Trump Appoints Horse To Senate, Takes Up Fiddle
Nation Nervously Looks On As Trump Appoints Horse To Senate, Takes Up Fiddle

Growing more uneasy with the decision each passing day, Washington insiders have reported that Trump declared his intent to replace Rand Paul (R-KY) with his purebred stallion, Amazing Horse, after Paul’s decision to vote against the Republican party line on a healthcare initiative. This news is worryingly timed, as leading […]

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For Orthodox Christians, War On Christmas Rages On

January 11, 2017 9:00 amComments Off on For Orthodox Christians, War On Christmas Rages On
For Orthodox Christians, War On Christmas Rages On

Despite the fact that December 25th now lies behind us, the War On Christmas continues, with the bloodiest fighting occurring in Orthodox Christmas, also known as Occupied Early January. While many involved in the conflict concern themselves primarily with Christmas’s aggressive expansion toward Thanksgiving, gobbling up virtually the entirety of […]

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Navy’s $4 Billion Destroyer Successfully Destroys $4 Billion

December 5, 2016 11:59 amComments Off on Navy’s $4 Billion Destroyer Successfully Destroys $4 Billion
Navy’s $4 Billion Destroyer Successfully Destroys $4 Billion
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Op-Ed: I May Not Agree With What You Have To Say But I Will Defend Your Right To Terrify Our Roommate, Jeff

November 30, 2016 9:00 amComments Off on Op-Ed: I May Not Agree With What You Have To Say But I Will Defend Your Right To Terrify Our Roommate, Jeff
Op-Ed: I May Not Agree With What You Have To Say But I Will Defend Your Right To Terrify Our Roommate, Jeff

Our nation stands divided. After an incredibly bitter and emotional election season, America’s melting pot has been transformed into an unhappy cauldron of resentment. But, in these troubled times, it is all the more important to listen to one another, which is why, despite my not agreeing with you in […]

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Baltic States Consider Just Joining Russia And Getting This Over With

November 16, 2016 9:00 amComments Off on Baltic States Consider Just Joining Russia And Getting This Over With
Baltic States Consider Just Joining Russia And Getting This Over With

As liberal America reels in shock from the prospect of a Trump presidency, America’s allies abroad have already begun to jump ship. “Fuck it guys, let’s just get this over with,” said Lithuanian president Dalia Grybauskaite, “time to go back to being a Russian colony”. The prospect of an American […]

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Russia, Iran, To Consider Arming Moderate Rebels In U.S.A

November 14, 2016 5:00 pmComments Off on Russia, Iran, To Consider Arming Moderate Rebels In U.S.A
Russia, Iran, To Consider Arming Moderate Rebels In U.S.A

After multiple consecutive nights of enormous protests in North America, the world’s foremost leaders met in Tehran to consider initiatives to arm moderate rebels in the United States of America as the country faces unprecedented instability following an election. Iran’s president, Hassan Rouhani, floated the idea of sending military aid […]

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Results Of American Experiment Statistically Insignificant

12:00 pmComments Off on Results Of American Experiment Statistically Insignificant
Results Of American Experiment Statistically Insignificant
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New Axe-Comm Member Not Sure When To Give Them The Axe, Take It Back

12:00 pmComments Off on New Axe-Comm Member Not Sure When To Give Them The Axe, Take It Back
New Axe-Comm Member Not Sure When To Give Them The Axe, Take It Back

After several intense meetings of the Stanford Axe Committee, freshman and new member Harry Kesler is still incredibly confused about some of the core tenets of the well-funded student organization. “Look, all I’m saying is that on one hand, we’re supposed to give them the axe the axe the axe. […]

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Tesla Self-Driving Cars Accurately Programmed To Value Tesla-Employee Lives Most Highly

November 7, 2016 12:01 pmComments Off on Tesla Self-Driving Cars Accurately Programmed To Value Tesla-Employee Lives Most Highly
Tesla Self-Driving Cars Accurately Programmed To Value Tesla-Employee Lives Most Highly

Next month, Tesla will begin rolling out their new line of self-driving cars with advanced ethical reasoning algorithms, a never before seen technology that informs the cars’ ability to make decisions and save lives in the event of unavoidable accidents. Built to solve ethical dilemmas, these algorithms perform millions of […]

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Sophomore Genuinely Confused No One Recognized His “American Military Intervention In Yemen” Costume

October 31, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Sophomore Genuinely Confused No One Recognized His “American Military Intervention In Yemen” Costume
Sophomore Genuinely Confused No One Recognized His “American Military Intervention In Yemen” Costume

One sad Halloween later, Oren Bialystock is still searching for explanations as to why no one correctly recognized his costume of “American Military Intervention In Yemen”. “I put so much effort into making sure the costume was authentic”, Oren said, “but when I got to the party I just got […]

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