Articles by: Joel Cummings

Opinion: Fetuses Don’t Deserve the Right To Vote- Animals Do!

February 8, 2009 4:19 pm0 comments
Opinion: Fetuses Don’t Deserve the Right To Vote- Animals Do!

Look, man, the neofascist, religious freakout Republicans are calling for the government to extend voting rights to fetuses. And that’s crazy, man. It shouldn’t even be up for debate. For one thing, fetuses are just a bunch of cells that will eventually become a person. They don’t have feelings. They […]

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Bill Clinton Accepts Presidency In Zoolander-Like Display

January 31, 2009 4:15 pm0 comments
Bill Clinton Accepts Presidency In Zoolander-Like Display
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In Waning Days of Presidency, Bush Turns Attention to Presidential Library

January 18, 2009 3:01 pm0 comments
In Waning Days of Presidency, Bush Turns Attention to Presidential Library

As President Bush prepares to hand over the White House to Barack Obama, he is devoting more of his energy to shaping the legacy he will leave behind for future generations of Americans. The George W. Bush Presidential Library will be situated next door to the Presidential Library of the […]

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Revolutionary Soft Drink Pepsialis to Hit Stores Next Week

November 30, 2008 4:07 pm0 comments
Revolutionary Soft Drink Pepsialis to Hit Stores Next Week

A collaboration between beverage giant PepsiCo and erectile dysfunction upstart Cialis has finally born fruit in the form of Pepsialis. “With Pepsialis, the goal is to quench your thirst with that refreshing Pepsi taste, while simultaneously promoting blood flow to the penile region,” declared Pepsi spokeswoman Anna Tirico. A multimedia […]

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President Hennessy Spotted On Campus

November 16, 2008 8:00 pm0 comments
President Hennessy Spotted On Campus

According to several eyewitnesses, Stanford President John Hennessy was seen walking between the Quad and the business school around 11:15 A.M. last Friday. This was the first sighting of the elusive Hennessy since he addressed the Class of 2012 during Orientation in mid-September. Sophomore and Hennessy-watching enthusiast Claire Naziri told […]

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America’s Balls Shrink 40% After Obama Victory, GOP’s Worst Fears Confirmed

November 8, 2008 8:58 pm0 comments
America’s Balls Shrink 40% After Obama Victory, GOP’s Worst Fears Confirmed

True to the predictions of several conservative pundits and bloggers, electing the progressive, thoughtful Barack Obama has taken its toll on the nation’s collective cojones, which have been shrinking considerably since November 4th. Urologist Alan Yanofsky examined the emasculated country in a routine, post-election check-up. “It seems a lack of […]

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Scientist Discovers Disease, Names After Arch-Rival

November 1, 2008 9:47 pm0 comments
Scientist Discovers Disease, Names After Arch-Rival

The humble Dr. Timothy Flugin of the Center for Disease Control may be the first researcher to discover a medical phenomenon and name it after someone other than himself. Last week, Flugin introduced the world to Borsen’s Syndrome, a rare affliction of the skin mostly prevalent among certain groups of […]

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ASSU Introduces Joint Resolution in Wake of Latest Squabble

October 25, 2008 9:41 pm0 comments
ASSU Introduces Joint Resolution in Wake of Latest Squabble

After endlessly bickering over a $2800 disaster known as the Welcome Barbecue, Senators Luukas Ilves ’09 and Yvorn Aswad-Thomas ’11 offered a joint resolution in the hopes of restoring collegiality and camaraderie among the divided student leaders. The resolution stipulated that a joint be passed around the chamber, with Senate […]

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“He Licked My Face!” : Overzealous Kisser Terrorizes Freshmen at Full Moon Festivities

October 19, 2008 1:18 pm0 comments
“He Licked My Face!” : Overzealous Kisser Terrorizes Freshmen at Full Moon Festivities
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37% of Full Moon Revelers Identify as Both ‘Senior’ and ‘Freshman’

1:10 pm0 comments
37% of Full Moon Revelers Identify as Both ‘Senior’ and ‘Freshman’

According to exit polls conducted by undercover reporters, 72% of Full Moon attendees were freshmen, while seniors accounted for another 65%. Surprisingly, 0% of poll responders identified themselves as sketchy graduate students. Statisticians in the math department analyzed these curious findings and released their reports late last night. “We have […]

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