Articles by: Barney Schmutz

Opinion: Thanks A Bunch, But I Already Fucking Knew That I Look Tired

May 5, 2011 9:00 amComments Off on Opinion: Thanks A Bunch, But I Already Fucking Knew That I Look Tired
Opinion: Thanks A Bunch, But I Already Fucking Knew That I Look Tired

I know I’m tired. I was there when I stayed up until 4:30 am finishing two problem sets. I was also there when the loud-ass construction trucks started their incessant beeping at 7 am. I can clearly see the dark circles under my eyes every time I walk past a […]

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Average American Eats Five Hamsters While Sleeping

April 28, 2011 9:00 amComments Off on Average American Eats Five Hamsters While Sleeping
Average American Eats Five Hamsters While Sleeping

Surgeon General Regina M. Bengamin announced today that the average American eats 5 hamsters over the course of his or her lifetime. “About 64% percent of Americans sleep with their mouths open, which leaves a very large hole for hamsters to fall into. Most of us just swallow these small […]

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Student Faces Tough Decisions about Lent and Christianity

April 22, 2011 3:15 pmComments Off on Student Faces Tough Decisions about Lent and Christianity
Student Faces Tough Decisions about Lent and Christianity

About forty days ago, on Ash Wednesday, sophomore Danny Brentwood made a big decision. The devout Christian and all-around good guy decided to give up the single thing which brought the most joy to his life: Christianity itself. In the process, he has also given up the strong moral principles […]

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Billboard Momentarily Causes Students to Reconsider Helmet-Wearing Decision

April 10, 2011 6:27 pmComments Off on Billboard Momentarily Causes Students to Reconsider Helmet-Wearing Decision
Billboard Momentarily Causes Students to Reconsider Helmet-Wearing Decision

Recently, Stanford Parking and Transportation officials have put up a flashing road sign on Santa Teresa St. that reads, “Helmets save brains. Bikers obey stop signs.” The billboard is causing many students to momentarily reconsider their helmet-wearing decision, which briefly causes them internal angst. Since only 35% of the Stanford […]

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First Episode of ‘Kids Say the Most Fucked Up Shit’ Receives Mixed Reviews

March 31, 2011 9:00 amComments Off on First Episode of ‘Kids Say the Most Fucked Up Shit’ Receives Mixed Reviews
First Episode of ‘Kids Say the Most Fucked Up Shit’ Receives Mixed Reviews
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Rebecca Black Releases Official Rebecca Black Parody Parody Parody Parody Parody Parody

March 28, 2011 12:12 amComments Off on Rebecca Black Releases Official Rebecca Black Parody Parody Parody Parody Parody Parody
Rebecca Black Releases Official Rebecca Black Parody Parody Parody Parody Parody Parody
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Asshole Who Returned From Abroad Still An Asshole

February 25, 2011 2:37 pmComments Off on Asshole Who Returned From Abroad Still An Asshole
Asshole Who Returned From Abroad Still An Asshole
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Michelle Obama Newest Cover Girl for Sports Illustrated: Presidents’ Day Spread

February 23, 2011 2:35 pmComments Off on Michelle Obama Newest Cover Girl for Sports Illustrated: Presidents’ Day Spread
Michelle Obama Newest Cover Girl for Sports Illustrated: Presidents’ Day Spread

Michelle Obama is the newest cover girl for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue for the magazine’s Presidents’ Day special. The spread features over 15 pictures of the first lady on the exotic beaches a few hours from Washington, D.C.  Obama nabbed the cover girl spot from other prominent first ladies […]

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Rich Old Man, Hot Young Woman Overcome Obstacles to Find True Love

February 13, 2011 1:42 pmComments Off on Rich Old Man, Hot Young Woman Overcome Obstacles to Find True Love
Rich Old Man, Hot Young Woman Overcome Obstacles to Find True Love

It’s a story truly worthy of attention on this Valentine’s Day February 14th, and it can teach us just a little bit about the power of love. Christopher Duke and Amy Morgan are not your typical married couple. He’s the 70-year-old owner of multibillion dollar steel conglomerate Alcoa, and she […]

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Anderson Cooper is “Sexier” With Battle Scars From Egypt

9:00 amComments Off on Anderson Cooper is “Sexier” With Battle Scars From Egypt
Anderson Cooper is “Sexier” With Battle Scars From Egypt

Anderson Cooper, journalist and anchor of the CNN news show Anderson Cooper 360, was attacked on the streets of Cairo during the violent riots in Egypt. CNN producer, Steven Bursk, declared, “Anderson said he was punched in the head ten times.” With the help of his crew, Cooper was able […]

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