Articles by: Ben Kaufman

Band Offers Administration $60,000 to Drop Accusations

December 12, 2016 12:49 pmComments Off on Band Offers Administration $60,000 to Drop Accusations
Band Offers Administration $60,000 to Drop Accusations

Facing accusations of “various club members getting pitchers at Treehouse”, Stanford’s Band announced Monday that it was ready to offer the university’s administration $60,000 to resolve the issue quietly with an extrajudicial settlement. “We’re just trying to speak their language” commented Band member “Toaster Strudel”, a kitchen sink slung around his neck and a […]

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Nation Just Grateful Major Political Event Happened Right Before Thanksgiving

November 14, 2016 12:01 pmComments Off on Nation Just Grateful Major Political Event Happened Right Before Thanksgiving
Extended family having thanksgiving dinner.

Worried that there may have ended up not being a major geopolitical shift to argue about at the dinner table, the nation sighed with relief Wednesday upon realizing that it and the conservative uncles it’s forced to break bread with would have plenty to shout about at Thanksgiving. As one […]

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Couple With “fuckin'” Playlist Now Couple With “sex” Playlist

12:00 pmComments Off on Couple With “fuckin'” Playlist Now Couple With “sex” Playlist
Couple With “fuckin'” Playlist Now Couple With “sex” Playlist
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Quote of the Week 10/24/16

October 24, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Quote of the Week 10/24/16
Quote of the Week 10/24/16

“[Bird noise]” – Rapper

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Update: Thing Still in Shower

October 21, 2016 9:00 amComments Off on Update: Thing Still in Shower
Update: Thing Still in Shower

Despite confused glances, muted whispers to RAs, and heartfelt attempts to inform the maintenance staff, sources close to the bathroom reported Sunday that that thing on the shower floor was still very much “there.” Whimpered one worried resident, “I’m legitimately unsure of whether it’s a ball of hair, a pile […]

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Op-Ed: “It’s Not a Walk of Shame Until You Stroll Down The Row Shouting ‘I Am An Unrepentant Child of Hedonistic Sin'”

October 17, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Op-Ed: “It’s Not a Walk of Shame Until You Stroll Down The Row Shouting ‘I Am An Unrepentant Child of Hedonistic Sin'”
Op-Ed: “It’s Not a Walk of Shame Until You Stroll Down The Row Shouting ‘I Am An Unrepentant Child of Hedonistic Sin'”

Guys, we’ve all been there- sweaty, hung over, walkin’ down the row with that post-coital glow. But let me tell you- it just isn’t a real Walk O’ Shame unless your empowered promenade comes with bloodcurdling screams of “I Am an Unrepentant Child of Hedonistic Sin!” Y’all know what I […]

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Coffee-Holding Biker in for a Fucking Lesson

October 10, 2016 12:01 pmComments Off on Coffee-Holding Biker in for a Fucking Lesson
Coffee-Holding Biker in for a Fucking Lesson

Veering around the main quad without a minute to spare before class, a latte-wielding cyclist is reportedly about to learn him some shit about gravity, centrifugal force, and how hard it is to get stains out of a white T-shirt. Sources close to the blind turn near the Geology Corner […]

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Crane Just Fucking Sitting There

September 22, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Crane Just Fucking Sitting There
Crane Just Fucking Sitting There
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Quote of the Week 9/19/16

12:00 pmComments Off on Quote of the Week 9/19/16
Quote of the Week 9/19/16

“…I think there will be party favors” –Freshman, calling parents

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Hennessy Longingly Refreshes Stanford Crushes Page One Last Time

May 24, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Hennessy Longingly Refreshes Stanford Crushes Page One Last Time
Hennessy Longingly Refreshes Stanford Crushes Page One Last Time

Sitting in his soon-to-be-vacated office with Stanford Crushes open on his laptop, Stanford president John Hennessy paused, sighed, crossed his fingers, and hit “refresh” one final time. “I know they noticed me, I know it!” Hennessy whispered to himself, sure that someone must have taken note of his carefully calculated […]

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