Articles by: Bill Driscoll

Violent Students Attack Police Pepper Spray Cans With Their Eyes

November 28, 2011 8:01 amComments Off on Violent Students Attack Police Pepper Spray Cans With Their Eyes
Violent Students Attack Police Pepper Spray Cans With Their Eyes

Within the last week, a video showing rioting students at UC Davis attacking unarmed cans of pepper spray with their eyes has gone viral and sparked outrage among pacifist and free-speech groups.  Protestors also attacked police batons with soft, vulnerable parts of their bodies such as their stomachs and backs. […]

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ASSU Counters Claims That They Don’t Do Anything By Releasing Thanksgiving Hand Turkeys

November 7, 2011 6:00 amComments Off on ASSU Counters Claims That They Don’t Do Anything By Releasing Thanksgiving Hand Turkeys
ASSU Counters Claims That They Don’t Do Anything By Releasing Thanksgiving Hand Turkeys

Seeking to fulfill their campaign pledge of “creating tangible results that all Stanford students can appreciate”, ASSU executive members sent out a mass email containing pictures of the Thanksgiving hand turkeys that they have been working on since the beginning of the school year. “We think it’s a heartening rebuttal […]

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Mitt Romney Wakes Up in Vegas Married to Six Hookers and Ron Paul

October 27, 2011 3:01 pmComments Off on Mitt Romney Wakes Up in Vegas Married to Six Hookers and Ron Paul
Mitt Romney Wakes Up in Vegas Married to Six Hookers and Ron Paul

Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney returned to Nashua, NH Sunday after what campaign managers tersely described as “an eventful night in Las Vegas in which Governor Romney took some time off to relax from the rigors of the campaign trail.” Anonymous sources close to the Massachusetts businessman, however, described Romney’s […]

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Planned Terrorist Attack Against Saudi Ambassador Thwarted By AlertSU Text

October 18, 2011 6:00 amComments Off on Planned Terrorist Attack Against Saudi Ambassador Thwarted By AlertSU Text
Planned Terrorist Attack Against Saudi Ambassador Thwarted By AlertSU Text

The United States Department of Homeland Security confirmed today that the vast AlertSU intelligence network was responsible for alerting them of an impending assassination attempt against Saudi ambassador Adel Al-Jubeir. On the morning of the attempt, members of the department received simultaneous text messages reading “Attempted car bombing occurred at […]

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Arrillaga Dining Commons Named to Honor Gymnasium

October 11, 2011 6:00 amComments Off on Arrillaga Dining Commons Named to Honor Gymnasium
Arrillaga Dining Commons Named to Honor Gymnasium

To honor what is, in the words of Stanford President John Hennessy “a gymnasium like no other”, the Arrillaga Dining Commons was christened on Friday to much fanfare. Board members paid tribute to the gym’s illustrious history, beginning as a humble basketball court in the 1960s before expanding to include […]

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Tell-All Book Alleges Barack Obama Had Sex With Black Woman

October 3, 2011 6:00 amComments Off on Tell-All Book Alleges Barack Obama Had Sex With Black Woman
Tell-All Book Alleges Barack Obama Had Sex With Black Woman

In the wake of the political firestorm surrounding allegations that Sarah Palin once had a tryst with former NBA star Glen Rice, tabloids are now abuzz with rumors that President Barack Obama may have had sex with a black woman. The claims, which are supposedly backed by ‘reliable sources’ and […]

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What Student Groups Will Do If You Refund Them

May 27, 2011 9:00 amComments Off on What Student Groups Will Do If You Refund Them
What Student Groups Will Do If You Refund Them

With the ASSU voting whether to give student groups access to the list of students who requested a refund from that group, the groups have devised ways to ensure that you never do it again. Here a few of their tactics. STANFORD SPEAKERS BUREAU: Hire your celebrity crush to come […]

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Stanford to Rename Hoover Tower after Good President

May 1, 2011 3:11 pmComments Off on Stanford to Rename Hoover Tower after Good President
Stanford to Rename Hoover Tower after Good President

In light of mounting pressure from students, faculty, and alumni, the university has created a committee charged with the task of renaming Hoover Tower after a president who wasn’t such a failure. Possible candidates mentioned have included the so-called ‘not shitty presidents’: Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, the Roosevelts, Kennedy, and Reagan. […]

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Greetings from the First Mass-Produced Stanford Student!

April 24, 2011 9:01 amComments Off on Greetings from the First Mass-Produced Stanford Student!
Greetings from the First Mass-Produced Stanford Student!

Hi there, fellow student. I’m fresh off the assembly line they’ve set up in the basement of Munger and am glad we met. We should go to the CoHo sometime to catch up, and then resolve to do it more often. What are your interests? Personally I’m interested in diversity […]

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Hundreds of 5’6″, Apple-Scented Indian Men Come Under Scrutiny

April 13, 2011 5:32 pmComments Off on Hundreds of 5’6″, Apple-Scented Indian Men Come Under Scrutiny
Hundreds of 5’6″, Apple-Scented Indian Men Come Under Scrutiny

Stanford’s large population of short-statured Indian men who smell of apples have come under the watchful eye of law enforcement officials after matching the profile of the at-large sexual assault suspect. Formerly blending in with the student body despite their lingering aroma of orchard fruit, Stanford’s chubby, round-nosed Indian men […]

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