Articles by: Ben Harley Davidson

Stanford Defeats Racism with Screening of “Tubman,” A Movie About A Man Who Wakes Up as A Bathtub and Everyone Is Racist Against Him but At the End, They Learn to Accept Their Differences and Sing in A Circle and Take A Bath in Him

November 20, 2019 9:49 pmComments Off on Stanford Defeats Racism with Screening of “Tubman,” A Movie About A Man Who Wakes Up as A Bathtub and Everyone Is Racist Against Him but At the End, They Learn to Accept Their Differences and Sing in A Circle and Take A Bath in Him
Stanford Defeats Racism with Screening of “Tubman,” A Movie About A Man Who Wakes Up as A Bathtub and Everyone Is Racist Against Him but At the End, They Learn to Accept Their Differences and Sing in A Circle and Take A Bath in Him

Let’s have them three cheers and a slap on the ol’ ass, fellas, ‘cause this time there’s truly a cause for celebration! In a move of superb scheming and strategery that left even the best of us dazzled, rubbing our eyes like we haven’t slept for a few years, the […]

Read more ›

Stanford Justifies Campus Expansion as “Reclaiming Promised Lands” Gifted to Dying Leland Stanford Jr. by God Himself

9:48 pmComments Off on Stanford Justifies Campus Expansion as “Reclaiming Promised Lands” Gifted to Dying Leland Stanford Jr. by God Himself
Stanford Justifies Campus Expansion as “Reclaiming Promised Lands” Gifted to Dying Leland Stanford Jr. by God Himself

“This is what we’ve been training for, folks!” Harry Elam Jr. barked to the phalanxes of engineering students lined up before him. Stepping down as Vice Provost for Undergraduate Education had cleared up a good bit of time for Elam to become chief tactician for the glorious Stanford Empire, and […]

Read more ›

Op-Ed: My Wii Fit Trainer Keeps Telling Me How the Poor Are Just Lazy and Entitled In-Between Poses, and It’s a Little Disturbing

November 12, 2019 11:54 pmComments Off on Op-Ed: My Wii Fit Trainer Keeps Telling Me How the Poor Are Just Lazy and Entitled In-Between Poses, and It’s a Little Disturbing
Op-Ed: My Wii Fit Trainer Keeps Telling Me How the Poor Are Just Lazy and Entitled In-Between Poses, and It’s a Little Disturbing

“Let’s try the Half-Moon Pose,” she says, her silky-smooth voice sliding down the nape of my neck like a bucket of leeches. “This stance can help align your spine.” I remind myself that I’m not attracted to a set of polygons and it’s back to business as usual. I’ve been […]

Read more ›

In Final Trick of the Night, Top-Hatted Ben Shapiro Uses Facts and Logic to Make Minimum Wage ~Disappear~

November 6, 2019 12:00 pmComments Off on In Final Trick of the Night, Top-Hatted Ben Shapiro Uses Facts and Logic to Make Minimum Wage ~Disappear~
In Final Trick of the Night, Top-Hatted Ben Shapiro Uses Facts and Logic to Make Minimum Wage ~Disappear~

Performing in Stanford’s Memorial Auditorium on Thursday night, amateur magician Ben Shapiro wowed his audience with an array of tricks and illusions, from escaping waterboarding torture while handcuffed to pulling a trans person out of his top-hat and misgendering them. The biggest feat of the night came at the end […]

Read more ›

The Secret Life of Pets 3: I Walked In On My Dog Running A Prostitution Ring in My Basement

October 29, 2019 4:29 pmComments Off on The Secret Life of Pets 3: I Walked In On My Dog Running A Prostitution Ring in My Basement
The Secret Life of Pets 3: I Walked In On My Dog Running A Prostitution Ring in My Basement

My dog Denver has been with me since I was a wee lad. We got him when he was just a lil’ puppy, a fluffy ol’ Siberian Husky with eyes that could make a lumberjack weep. And he grew up good – always by my side – only ever getting […]

Read more ›

Op Ed: How Does It Feel To Take A Life, Charles?

October 23, 2019 12:00 pmComments Off on Op Ed: How Does It Feel To Take A Life, Charles?
Op Ed: How Does It Feel To Take A Life, Charles?

Look at me, Charles. No, no — don’t look away. Don’t you dare try to get out of this one, Charles. We know what you did, and you’re not getting out of it this time. You smushed that ant, Charles, and for what — the sin of wanting a taste […]

Read more ›

Op-Ed: My Brain Is A Greased-Up Dragon and I Have to Wrestle It to The Ground and Count to Ten Every Time I Want to Say Something Coherent

October 16, 2019 12:00 pmComments Off on Op-Ed: My Brain Is A Greased-Up Dragon and I Have to Wrestle It to The Ground and Count to Ten Every Time I Want to Say Something Coherent
Op-Ed: My Brain Is A Greased-Up Dragon and I Have to Wrestle It to The Ground and Count to Ten Every Time I Want to Say Something Coherent

“Help!” cries the fair maiden in the tower. She represents my good ideas and also ingrained sexist tropes impressed upon my younger mind by a patriarchal society that which depicts women as passive and helpless. “Rawr!” cries the terrible little dragon flying about, guarding the maiden with its steely eyes […]

Read more ›

Study Reveals Cars Prefer Eating Cyclists With Helmets Over Those Without

October 9, 2019 12:00 pmComments Off on Study Reveals Cars Prefer Eating Cyclists With Helmets Over Those Without
Study Reveals Cars Prefer Eating Cyclists With Helmets Over Those Without

New research on the gastronomical habits of motor vehicles has revealed that cars — and to a lesser extent buses, motorcycles, and trucks — express a significant dietary preference for cyclists wearing helmets over those who ride with scalp and hair exposed. Scientists have deduced that this is because, like […]

Read more ›

An Open Letter from Susie Brubaker-Cole: It is With a Heavy Heart That I Must Solemnly Declare That No ““Fucking”” Is Permitted to Occur on This Noble Campus

October 2, 2019 12:00 pmComments Off on An Open Letter from Susie Brubaker-Cole: It is With a Heavy Heart That I Must Solemnly Declare That No ““Fucking”” Is Permitted to Occur on This Noble Campus
Susie (Susan Jean) Brubaker-Cole  VICE PROVOST FOR STUDENT AFFAIRS

Friends, Cardinals, countrymen—lend me your ears! The trials and tribulations of this first week have no doubt been many, from classes scheduled to take place in nonexistent buildings to freak bicycle collisions with clowns carrying large panes of glass across the road. But, in the wake of Beyond Sex Ed, […]

Read more ›

Op Ed: I Drew Into Harry Elam Jr.’s Kitchen

June 10, 2019 12:00 pmComments Off on Op Ed: I Drew Into Harry Elam Jr.’s Kitchen
Op Ed: I Drew Into Harry Elam Jr.’s Kitchen

Look, I was disappointed at first about my draw number of 8310, but turns out living in Vice Provost for Education Harry Elam Jr.’s kitchen isn’t the worst thing in the world. He gives me back rubs every day and it almost makes up for the fact that he’s manacled […]

Read more ›